Christmas Box Angel

This is our second year participating in the candlelight ceremony that Richard Paul Evans hosts at the angel statue in the Salt Lake city Cemetery. Thankfully, it wasn't nearly as cold this year as it was last year.

The program was beautiful. This darling seven-year-old read a poem about her little brother who was stillborn this fall. It was so touching to hear the words of a child.

Molds

One of the things I get to do with Share is make molds of babies hands and feet. I have gone to the hospital several times this fall. My dad and others have asked me how I can do this. It can be difficult because I feel so bad for the families that have just lost their baby. But it is so rewarding. I love to hold these beautiful angels. Scott's molds are so precious to me. I am grateful to be able to give the parents a keepsake of their baby.

Here are some pictures of the second set of molds I did all by myself. I get so nervous pouring the molds and then opening them up. I would hate for anything to happen to them. Ithink these turned out perfect!

Christmas Wreath

I bought a plain wreath this year to put at the cemetery for Scott. I asked my mom to help me decorate it. She told me I could pick some of the ornament Grandpa Anderson had made. Scott is named after my grandpa so I was really excited.

It is very simple but I absolutely love the way it turned out.

Angel Tree 2010

Last year we started a new tradition. Since Scott is not here on earth to spoil for Christmas we decide to help make Christmas a little better for someone else, in honor of Scott. We chose a name of the Salvation Army angel Tree at Macy's. I'm sure the people working there thought I was crazy. I looked at all the names on the tree and then had them look in there box of other names to help me find just the right one. The first Macy's didn't have what I wanted so I went to another Macy's. I need/want to give to a little boy the same age as Scott. Scott is 2 but will be 3 just a couple days after Christmas. So I tell the workers I need a 2 or 3 year old boy. By looking at the sizes of clothes and the toys they want I am able to roughly tell if the child is close to Scott's age (a year makes a big difference in children this young).

So after finding the right child I went a bought some clothes and toys for this little boy. I bought some shirts that Hayden and Parker have. I bought Candyland and cars because that it what we gave Hayden for Christmas when he was turning three.

I am glad we had the opportunity to help someone in need. It helps ease the pain of not having my precious Scott with me at Christmas time.

Christmas in Heaven

I see countless trees around the world below,
With tiny lights, like heaven's stars, reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away that tear,
For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
I hear the many Christmas songs
that people hold so dear,
But the sounds of music can't compare
with the Christmas choir up here.
I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring.
For it is beyond description, to hear the angels sing.
I know how much you miss me,
I see the pain inside your heart,
But I am not so far away. We really aren't apart.
So be happy for me dear ones. you know I hold you dear,
And be glad I'm spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year.
I send you each a special gift,
from my heavenly home above.
I send you each a memory of my undying love.
After all, love is a gift, more precious than pure gold.
It was always most important in the stories Jesus told.
Please love and keep each other, as my father said to do.
For I can't count the blessings
or love he has for each of you.
So, have a merry Christmas and wipe away that tear.
Remember, I'm spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year.

-Author unknown

Walk of Remembrance and Hope 2010

I am so grateful to Share for putting together the wonderful Walk of Remembrance and Hope each year. This year was different than in the past because I got to help organize it. I am loving being on the Share board and being more involved and helping other families heal.

We had a wonderful speaker. Her name is Carolyn Kasteller. She started a program call Angel Watch. This program help families who have learned that their unborn-child has a life-threatening or life-limiting condition.

Joe read the poem, "He Came as a Whisper, that his mom wrote the night Scott was born. It was nice to be able to share our special poem with other and have Joe be apart of the program.

I'm so grateful for my sweet niece, Riley. She talks about Scott a lot and has come with us to the walk the last two years. I love that she wants to be apart of it.

I am so blessed to have met wonderful women who have turned into wonderful friends. Heidi is Jocelyn's angel mommy and Jen is a photographer for NILMDTS.

This is the beautiful quote that was on the program:

“The mention of my child’s name may bring tears to my eyes, but it never fails to bring music to my ears. If you are really my friend, let me hear the beautiful music of his name. It soothes my broken heart and sings to my soul.”
-Author unknown

Share Parents of Utah

Last spring I got a letter from Share Parents of Utah asking me to submit an application to become a member on their board. I was delighted. I have really wanted to do something to help other angel mommies. I stared attending support meetings so see how they run and to get to know the families. This has truly been a blessing. I wish I had attended meeting right after Scott was born. I feel that if I had attended it would have helped me understand my pain and grief better. I have loved getting to know other moms. I have met some really incredible women.

I have been able to go to the hospital two times and help make hand and foot molds of precious angel babies. Hudson was the first baby I helped with. His mom carried him full term. It was emotional for me. He was the first angel baby I have seen since Scott was born. It was very special to be able to hold him. Yesterday I was able to help with Kayia's mold. Her mom was 26 weeks along. Kayia was almost the exact same size as Scott. She was an inch and a half longer and three ounces heavier. It was special to hold her and remember how it felt to have Scott in my arms.

I feel very luck to be a part of Share and to make such wonderful friends.

Do You Want a Fox?

Scotty,

I miss you so much. Today we were at Sam's Club and there was a giant stuffed fox. It was so soft and cuddly. I showed it to Hayden and he said we should buy it for you. I wanted so badly to buy the fox. What two and a half year old little boy wouldn't want such a big stuffed animal? I wish you were here so I could buy you special little presents.

I can't believe you would be 2 1/2. I find myself wondering what you would be like if you were here with me. I want to know all about you. What is your favorite color? What is your favorite book? What do you like to play? Hayden has lots of questions too. He wants to know if Heavenly Father gives you hugs when you cry. I want to believe that you don't cry. I want you to be happy. But maybe you get sad too. Maybe you miss me as much as I miss you.

Sometimes I find myself wanting to be in the same situation again so I can feel you close to me. So I can relive every bit of your life that was so incredibly short. I long to hold you and kiss you. I think of you everyday. I love to say your name.

I often wonder why I have never had the privilege of seeing you in my dreams or in the temple or something. I want to know what you do all day. I have so many questions to ask you. What is Heaven like? Do all the babies that die stay in some group with some very important work to do? Why does Heavenly Father need so many babies? Why couldn't you stay on Earth with me?

Please always know that Mommy loves you!

Hugs and kisses,
Mommy

Smiling

I had the news on this morning while I was getting ready for work and I saw someone I recognized but didn't know who it was. I stopped and watched the story to find out why seeing this man made me smile. It was Stan Watts, the man who made the bronze molds of Scott's hands and feet, he is finishing a statue of a WWII vet that will be unveiled in France this summer.

I am so grateful to him for giving me such a wonderful gift to remember my son.

Thinking of You

Thought of you with love today,
but that is nothing new.
I thought about you yesterday,
and days before that too.

I think of you in silence,
I often speak your name.
All I have are memories
I wish I had pictures in a frame.

Your memory is a keepsake,
with which I'll never part.
God has you in His keeping,
I have you in my heart.

I saw this on facebook tonight.

Music and Tears

I read this quote today and I LOVE it. It is exactly how I feel.

"The mention of my child's name may bring tears to my eyes, but it never fails to bring music to my ears. If you are really my friend, let me hear the beautiful music of his name. It soothes my broken heart and sings to my soul."
-author unknown

It's still Broken

After Scott was born I had a tangible pain in my chest, my heart hurt. The other night I was dreaming about Scott. Whenever I dream about him it is very unrestful sleep. I just toss and turn. When I woke up I had the very same pain I had right after he was born. The immense pain lasted for several days. No one knew, probably no one cared. But it hurt. It still hurts. I miss Scott so badly. I still can't understand why Heavenly Father took him away.

He Came As A Whisper

When Scott was born we were blessed to have Grandma and Papa Anderson, Grandma and Grandpa Young, Rebecca, Rachael, Allen, Ashlie, and Jill at the hospital. Many times I have felt like it was important to any one but me.

In November this year Chris, Joe's mom, was showing me some cute stories she had written. She then asked me if she had ever shown me what she wrote the night Scott was born. I had no idea she had ever written about Scott. I read the poem she wrote and started to cry. It is so beautiful. Along with the tears being shed about my sweet son I was crying because I finally knew how special that night was to her as well. My love for my mother-in-law grew so much more.

Here is the most beautiful poem I have ever read.

He Came As A Whisper

by Christine Young

"He came as a whisper, soft, sweet, innocent. He fell upon us silently, invading our heartstrings, pulling and tugging. He drank in our tears and listened to them silently fall. Silent echos of love filled that small room in those precious few minutes.

He came softly, without cries or tremors of fear. Life brushed across his tiny existence and kissed him gently good-bye. We cry out for time to cease that we can memorize his little face, the gentle slope of his nose, the hairs of his head, the curves of his ears. We gaze in awe at his perfect feet and fingers and toes, all complete but still.

Our hello was more brief than our good-byes. What wondrous soul did we meet in such a brief encounter this cold December night? When we meet again will we recognize each other? Will tears bathe our faces once more in joyous reunion? Good-bye for now, our little one. You will be missed but never forgotten. You have carved a place in our hearts, forever dear, forever our little Scott Leland Young. --December 28, 2007."

Richard Paul Evans » Angel Statues

I hope to see you at the ceremony this Sunday!

Richard Paul Evans » Angel Statues:

"The Christmas Box Angel Statue was introduced to the world in the book The Christmas Box, a worldwide bestseller and hit television movie by author Richard Paul Evans. In the book, a woman mourns the loss of her child at the base of an angel monument. Though the story is mostly fiction, the angel monument once existed but is speculated to have been destroyed. The new angel statue was commissioned by Richard Paul Evans, in response to reports that grieving parents were seeking out the angel as a place to grieve and heal. The monument was dedicated on December 6, 1994-corresponding with the date of the child’s death in The Christmas Box

(Coincidentally, Dec. 6th is celebrated in many parts of the world as Children’s Day). At the request of Sexton Paul Byron and Salt Lake City Mayor Deedee Corradini, Salt Lake City donated the land on which the monument stands. The sculpture is the creation of a father and son from Salt Lake City, Utah, Ortho and Jared Fairbanks, and modeled according to the description in Evans’ book. The face of the angel is that of Evans’ second daughter, Allyson-Danica. If you look closely you can find on the angel’s right wing (west) the word “hope.”

Flowers, sent from around the world, adorn the base of the monument year round, accompanying notes left by parents for their “little angels.” On December 6th of each year (7 p.m. MST) a candlelight healing ceremony is held at the base of the Christmas Box Angel monument. After a few remarks, a moment of silence, and the lullaby of a children’s choir, the attendees are invited to leave a white flower at the base of the angel statue. The public is welcome. For a map to the Salt Lake City statue, click here: Angel Statue Map."

Walk of Remembrance and Hope

This year was the 14th annual Walk of Remembrance and Hope sponsored by Share. I was such a beautiful day at the cemetery. My niece Riley asked if she could come with us and if I would get a shirt for her too. I was more than willing to have her come and to buy her a shirt. She is such a sweet heart. She frequently gives me hugs and tells me she misses Scott. I am glad she was able to come with us.

The program was very nice. Pamela Hansen, the author of Running with Angels and Finding the Angel Within, was the speaker. She has two angel babies. She said that she host a Running With Angels 5K every spring at Thanksgiving Point. I am looking forward to participating in that event.

After the program we took a short walk around the cemetery and then got a balloon and wrote Scott's name on it for the balloon launch ceremony.









We had a moment of silence to remember our baby and then they began reading the names. It is so touching to hear the names of all the angel babies. It makes me so sad when I hear names of families that have lost multiple children.







As they read Scott's name we released Scott's balloon. We talked to Hayden for a couple of days prior to the event about what we were going to do so that he would be okay letting the balloon go. We told him we were going to let the balloon go so it could go to Heaven so Scott could have a balloon. In the morning before the walk he started telling me he had to hold the balloon tight because he would be sad if it blew away. Once again i told him we wanted to let the balloon go to Heaven and he was okay with that.


The two balloons in the middle were for Scott. Riley and Hayden each had one for him.

It is neat to see so many balloons in the sky but it is sad realizing how many babies die.

Note From a Friend

My great weekend of remembering Scott continued today. As I was checking Facebook I saw that I received an email from one of my dear friends I grew up with.

Okay now I am bawling-- so bear with me. I just got on your blog about little Scott. I am so touched by your sweet spirit. I am extremely sorry you have had to deal with this and will continue. Its almost bad to say but I am jealous to know that you have a perfect little boy waiting for you and watching over you and your family-- your own little guardian angel. Know that he is waiting for you. I am not sure if you know, but I had problems when Brinley was born. I was so scared I was going to lose her. I let fear take over me. The moment in the hospital when I allowed my Heavenly Father to take me in his arms I felt the peace that whatever the outcome life will go on. (as hard as it is sometimes) I am lucky enough to have her in my life. I know Heavenly Father doesn't take US in the equation when the little ones are born. Its all part of His great plan. Know that Heavenly Father had something great and special for him because he wouldn't intentionally do this to another one of his children. Remember all the time he loves you. Find peace with him and only him. You will be strong-- and on those days you are not, Let it out. Don't worry about if other have forgotten about Scott. Only you will know the love you have for him. That is all that matters-- a mothers love!! Thinking about you. Have a great day :0)

I hope I haven't said anything to upset you-- just want you to know a friend is thinking of you!

Upset me? Now way! You made my day. Thanks for thinking of me and my baby.

God's Gift

This is another poem that Jennifer sent me. it was written by her aunt.

Gods Gift

I was searching for answers on this gloomy day
So I fell t o my knees and I started to pray
Dear God, you have taken so much from me
I’m alone in the darkness and I cannot see
Why did you give me a child to love?
And then take him back to our home up above?

My child, He said, you don’t understand
I have all things in the palm of my hand
I have a plan, one made just for you
So you can come home when this life is through

It is not I who takes, I always give
Blessings that teach; you must learn as you live
Sometimes these blessings will be masked in strife
But stay close to me and I’ll guide you through life
Just know for today you’re my child to love
And I want you back in our home up above
Now when that time comes, there will be such joy
To be there to greet you will be your little boy

Thank you dear God, I said as I cried
Now I understand why my child died
As I continued to pray and day turned to night
Where once there was darkness, now there was light
He hadn’t taken and now I could see
He had given the gift of an angel to me

Michelle Kelle May 2000

Mention My Child

While at the Walk of Remembrance and Hope I started to get teary eyed as they read Scott's name. Before I left the walk I went to talk to the people who work for share. I started to tell them thanks for their hard work and then I stared cry and told them how wonderful it was to hear someone besides myself say Scott's name.

While talking to Jennifer at the in the evening I told her about that. She told me she would send me a poem. This is the beautiful poem.

Go ahead and mention my child,
The one that died, you know.
Don't worry about hurting me further.
The depth of my pain doesn't show.
Don't worry about making me cry.
I'm already crying inside.
Help me to heal by releasing
The tears that I try to hide.
I'm hurt when you just keep silent,
Pretending he didn't exist.
I'd rather you mention my child,
Knowing that he has been missed.
You asked me how I was doing.
I say "pretty good" or "fine".
But healing is something ongoing
I feel it will take a lifetime.

~ Elizabeth Dent ~
(I changed she to he)

New Friend

I had a very good weekend. On Saturday we were able to go to the Share Walk of Remembrance and Hope. (I will post about that in a few minutes). After the walk on Saturday we went to Farnsworth Farms for their Halloween activities. While we were standing in line for the hay ride a girl (Jennifer) behind me in line asked if we were at the walk that morning. I realized Joe was wearing his shirt. I told her that we were there and asked if she too had an angel baby. She told me she does not have an angel baby but she works for Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep as a photographer.

I told her about Scott and and she told me how she became involved with NILMDTS. We talked while we were in line, on the hay ride, after the hay ride, a little bit later, etc (I could have talked to her all night). She told me she would look me up on Facebook as soon as she got home. When I got home there was a friend request from her. After I accepted the request I saw that we had a mutual friend, Sarah. I met Sarah after Scott died and her baby Savannah died. She was so sweet and took pictures for me at Scott's funeral. Sarah and Jennifer grew up together. Looking and Jennifer's profile I saw that she graduated from Copper Hills High School a year after I did. We really live in such a small world.

I am so grateful that Heavenly Father let our paths cross. I look forward to getting to know Jennifer better and participating in activities they do for NILMDTS.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remeberance Day

Today, October 15th, is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Most people don't know about this day or how important it is for those of us who have angel babies. Parents think about their children every single day. Parents who have angel babies think about their babies every single day too. In almost two years there has not been one day that I haven't thought about my precious angel Scott.

After Scott died I was so upset that I didn't have any pictures of him. Through lots of work I was to let go of some of that anger. Lately, I have really started to think about it again. I am not anger just very sad. As I have been watching Parker change so much in nine months I find myself wondering what Scott would have been like. I want to know what color his hair would be. Would he have long dark eyelashes like Parker? Would he have lots of cowlicks like Hayden or fuzzy hair that stands straight up like Parker? What would he like to eat? Or play with? Would he be like his brothers and be a mama's boy? The list goes on and on.

I wish I knew him! I miss him so much. I would give anything to have him here with me.

I'll never forget you, Scott!