Monday, October 19, 2009

Walk of Remembrance and Hope

This year was the 14th annual Walk of Remembrance and Hope sponsored by Share. I was such a beautiful day at the cemetery. My niece Riley asked if she could come with us and if I would get a shirt for her too. I was more than willing to have her come and to buy her a shirt. She is such a sweet heart. She frequently gives me hugs and tells me she misses Scott. I am glad she was able to come with us.

The program was very nice. Pamela Hansen, the author of Running with Angels and Finding the Angel Within, was the speaker. She has two angel babies. She said that she host a Running With Angels 5K every spring at Thanksgiving Point. I am looking forward to participating in that event.

After the program we took a short walk around the cemetery and then got a balloon and wrote Scott's name on it for the balloon launch ceremony.

We had a moment of silence to remember our baby and then they began reading the names. It is so touching to hear the names of all the angel babies. It makes me so sad when I hear names of families that have lost multiple children.

As they read Scott's name we released Scott's balloon. We talked to Hayden for a couple of days prior to the event about what we were going to do so that he would be okay letting the balloon go. We told him we were going to let the balloon go so it could go to Heaven so Scott could have a balloon. In the morning before the walk he started telling me he had to hold the balloon tight because he would be sad if it blew away. Once again i told him we wanted to let the balloon go to Heaven and he was okay with that.

The two balloons in the middle were for Scott. Riley and Hayden each had one for him.

It is neat to see so many balloons in the sky but it is sad realizing how many babies die.

Note From a Friend

My great weekend of remembering Scott continued today. As I was checking Facebook I saw that I received an email from one of my dear friends I grew up with.

Okay now I am bawling-- so bear with me. I just got on your blog about little Scott. I am so touched by your sweet spirit. I am extremely sorry you have had to deal with this and will continue. Its almost bad to say but I am jealous to know that you have a perfect little boy waiting for you and watching over you and your family-- your own little guardian angel. Know that he is waiting for you. I am not sure if you know, but I had problems when Brinley was born. I was so scared I was going to lose her. I let fear take over me. The moment in the hospital when I allowed my Heavenly Father to take me in his arms I felt the peace that whatever the outcome life will go on. (as hard as it is sometimes) I am lucky enough to have her in my life. I know Heavenly Father doesn't take US in the equation when the little ones are born. Its all part of His great plan. Know that Heavenly Father had something great and special for him because he wouldn't intentionally do this to another one of his children. Remember all the time he loves you. Find peace with him and only him. You will be strong-- and on those days you are not, Let it out. Don't worry about if other have forgotten about Scott. Only you will know the love you have for him. That is all that matters-- a mothers love!! Thinking about you. Have a great day :0)

I hope I haven't said anything to upset you-- just want you to know a friend is thinking of you!

Upset me? Now way! You made my day. Thanks for thinking of me and my baby.

God's Gift

This is another poem that Jennifer sent me. it was written by her aunt.

Gods Gift

I was searching for answers on this gloomy day
So I fell t o my knees and I started to pray
Dear God, you have taken so much from me
I’m alone in the darkness and I cannot see
Why did you give me a child to love?
And then take him back to our home up above?

My child, He said, you don’t understand
I have all things in the palm of my hand
I have a plan, one made just for you
So you can come home when this life is through

It is not I who takes, I always give
Blessings that teach; you must learn as you live
Sometimes these blessings will be masked in strife
But stay close to me and I’ll guide you through life
Just know for today you’re my child to love
And I want you back in our home up above
Now when that time comes, there will be such joy
To be there to greet you will be your little boy

Thank you dear God, I said as I cried
Now I understand why my child died
As I continued to pray and day turned to night
Where once there was darkness, now there was light
He hadn’t taken and now I could see
He had given the gift of an angel to me

Michelle Kelle May 2000

Mention My Child

While at the Walk of Remembrance and Hope I started to get teary eyed as they read Scott's name. Before I left the walk I went to talk to the people who work for share. I started to tell them thanks for their hard work and then I stared cry and told them how wonderful it was to hear someone besides myself say Scott's name.

While talking to Jennifer at the in the evening I told her about that. She told me she would send me a poem. This is the beautiful poem.

Go ahead and mention my child,
The one that died, you know.
Don't worry about hurting me further.
The depth of my pain doesn't show.
Don't worry about making me cry.
I'm already crying inside.
Help me to heal by releasing
The tears that I try to hide.
I'm hurt when you just keep silent,
Pretending he didn't exist.
I'd rather you mention my child,
Knowing that he has been missed.
You asked me how I was doing.
I say "pretty good" or "fine".
But healing is something ongoing
I feel it will take a lifetime.

~ Elizabeth Dent ~
(I changed she to he)

New Friend

I had a very good weekend. On Saturday we were able to go to the Share Walk of Remembrance and Hope. (I will post about that in a few minutes). After the walk on Saturday we went to Farnsworth Farms for their Halloween activities. While we were standing in line for the hay ride a girl (Jennifer) behind me in line asked if we were at the walk that morning. I realized Joe was wearing his shirt. I told her that we were there and asked if she too had an angel baby. She told me she does not have an angel baby but she works for Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep as a photographer.

I told her about Scott and and she told me how she became involved with NILMDTS. We talked while we were in line, on the hay ride, after the hay ride, a little bit later, etc (I could have talked to her all night). She told me she would look me up on Facebook as soon as she got home. When I got home there was a friend request from her. After I accepted the request I saw that we had a mutual friend, Sarah. I met Sarah after Scott died and her baby Savannah died. She was so sweet and took pictures for me at Scott's funeral. Sarah and Jennifer grew up together. Looking and Jennifer's profile I saw that she graduated from Copper Hills High School a year after I did. We really live in such a small world.

I am so grateful that Heavenly Father let our paths cross. I look forward to getting to know Jennifer better and participating in activities they do for NILMDTS.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remeberance Day

Today, October 15th, is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Most people don't know about this day or how important it is for those of us who have angel babies. Parents think about their children every single day. Parents who have angel babies think about their babies every single day too. In almost two years there has not been one day that I haven't thought about my precious angel Scott.

After Scott died I was so upset that I didn't have any pictures of him. Through lots of work I was to let go of some of that anger. Lately, I have really started to think about it again. I am not anger just very sad. As I have been watching Parker change so much in nine months I find myself wondering what Scott would have been like. I want to know what color his hair would be. Would he have long dark eyelashes like Parker? Would he have lots of cowlicks like Hayden or fuzzy hair that stands straight up like Parker? What would he like to eat? Or play with? Would he be like his brothers and be a mama's boy? The list goes on and on.

I wish I knew him! I miss him so much. I would give anything to have him here with me.

I'll never forget you, Scott!

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Heaven and Earth

You know the song "Where is Heaven?" In the song it states that "It's right where you are." I think that Heaven is all around us. There are definitely times in my life where the veil seems thinner than others.

When I was baptized at the age of eight I remember feeling a little sad that my grandfather would not be able to baptize me. He died eight months before I was baptized. My favorite uncle, Uncle Leonard, was able to baptize me. As we stood in the baptismal font Uncle Leonard stumbled over the words to the prayer. I felt the presence of my grandpa so strongly. I know he was in the room with us and helped my uncle remember the words to the baptismal prayer.

This weekend I was talking to my mother-in-law and she shared some experiences that she, a niece and her mother have had after the death different family members. In church a few weeks ago an experience was shared about a women sitting in the temple and she heard the voice of the women whose temple work she was doing. In all of the experiences I have heard recently the big picture is that the veil can be very thin at times.

Yesterday, Hayden and I were driving to the store and Hayden saw a house and we had the following conversation.

"Is that Heavenly Father's house?"
"No, Heavenly Father lives in Heaven." "
"With Jesus and Scott?"
"Jesus carries Scott."
"Who told you that?"
"Hayden did. Hayden's a big boy."

Hayden told me again today that Jesus carries Scott. I am not saying that Hayden has ever seen Scott or anything because I have no idea but I do know that Hayden knows his brother Scott and loves him. I know that Scott is being taken care of by Jesus and as a mother that is a good thing to know.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Hope Collage

As I was reading blogs this week I found a friend who had a Hope Collage made by another mommy who has an angel baby. Franchesca's first baby Jenna died when she was just 13 days old. Franchesca started Abiding Hope Collages - A Lifetime of Words not Spoken. I am so grateful for her desire to help so many families with angel babies.