Friday, June 19, 2009


Hayden walked outside and stepped in some water. He then stepped on the porch and saw his wet footprints. He bent down and touched them and said, "Look, Scott's feet." Scott's headstone has footprints on it. Hayden often holds the brass molds of Scott's feet. So, Hayden associates feet with Scott.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Did I Really Sign Up For This?

In church the speaker mentioned that his third child died of SIDS at five and a half months. He talked about how as he struggled through this he realized that he had signed up for this in the pre-existence. As I thought about this I kept thinking there is no way I signed up for letting Scott die. I have thought about this many times this week.

My friend was over the other night and we were discussing this. When I told her I "didn't sign up for it" she said you never know. As the discussion progressed she helped me put it in different words. I signed up to give him back to Heavenly Father. Maybe I didn't know this meant I would give him back before I really got him. But I did agree to give him back. I want to give all of my children back to my Heavenly Father. Hopefully I can be a good enough mom and teach my children here on earth how to get back to Heavenly Father. As for now I know I have one perfect little angel ho is in the presence of God everyday. I guess it truly is a blessing.

Memorial Day 2009

This is my second Memorial Day without Scott but only my first to have a place to go visit him. I can never say enough how wonderful it is that we were finally able to bury Baby Scott and I have a place to go.

I had a rough morning. I wish everyone loved Scott the way I do. I have to remember that no one knows Scott like I do. I held him for more than five months. Joe and my mom held him for less than five minutes. No one else has ever held him. Maybe that is why others don't seem to remember him. It is hard to remember someone you never knew. But I knew him. I will never forget him. When Scott died he took a piece of my heart with him. I will never be the person I was before.

I went to the cemetery by myself in the morning. I enjoyed having a few quiet moments alone. To my surprise someone had been there. There were some silk roses. I have no idea who had been there but it means so much to me.

When the boys and I went a little later the cemetery was packed. We got there right before they started the flag raising ceremony. The cemetery looked beautiful covered with all the flowers.