Sunday, December 28, 2008

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday Scott!

Hayden and Joe wearing their matching shirts that say
"We Have Footprints on Our Heart"
I can't believe a year has gone by already. A year ago I would have never imagined celebrating my child's fist birthday without him. I know things are they way they are supposed to be but oh how I wish things were different. I has been a very hard year without him. I miss him so much. I love him more than anyone could ever imagine. I wish Scott were here with us each and everyday.

We have had a good day today taking extra time to remember Scott. I felt like I really needed to go to church today. So yes, I took my 9 day old baby to Sacrament meeting. After lots of pondering we decided that for Scott's birthday we would by a few copies of some books we read after Scott died and take them to the hospital to be given to people when they lose a baby. We bought "Gone Too Soon" and "We Were Gonna Have a Baby But We Had an Angel Instead." We took the books along with some cards to the hospital right after church. It was hard for me to try and explain why we were there, but I did OK.

This afternoon/evening we invited our families to go visit Scott's grave with us. We took some pretty white and yellow carnations. After the cemetery we came back to our house for some birthday cake. I made an angel food cake for my sweet little angel's birthday.

We went to the cemetery early for Joe to make us a path to the headstone.

I am so grateful for the support of family and friends. I am so grateful for Joe and his patience with me this past year. I know it isn't easy for him to see me so sad and crying because I miss Scott. He always just holds me and tells me he loves me.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Mixed Emotions

I was so excited to come to the hospital today knowing I was going to give birth to my baby boy but I was also very nervous as I remembered the pain of having a c-section, epidural, IV, catheter, etc. As I entered the labor and delivery unit the desk nurse was with someone and asked me to have a seat and wait for a moment. As soon as I sat down I noticed a box on the counter. I knew immediately what it contained. It is the box that contains the hand and feet molds of a baby who died. I was overcome with sadness not only thinking about my Scott but for the mother and father of that baby, knowing the grief they are dealing with.

The labor room I was taken to was the room right next to the one were I gave birth to Scott. I was so afraid the nurse was taking me to the same room but turned one door sooner. I was grateful it wasn't the same room (I would have asked for a different room). Joe could tell something was wrong and asked me what I was thinking about. I said I didn't want to talk about it but he knew I was thinking about Scott and I couldn't help the tears from falling.

While I was in the operating room Joe sat right next to me and held my hand. When the baby was born I heard him cry a sweet little cry. The tears started flowing immediately. Al I could say to myself is "he's alive, he's alive." I was so grateful for the sounds of a crying baby. I remember while I labored with Scott hoping and praying the doctors and nurses would be wrong and that he would be born alive. I waited to hear the sounds of a crying baby but he was born still and silent.

Oh how I miss my little Scott. I love Parker so much. I love him for who he is but it will never take away from the love I have for Scott and will never replace him. I am so grateful to Heavenly Father for each one of my precious baby boys. I am grateful to have Hayden and Parker here on Earth with me. I am equally grateful to have Scott as my angel baby and I look forward to the day when I will be reunited with him. I keep finding myself wishing Parker could talk and tell me about his brother Scott.

I am so grateful that Heavenly Father has allowed me to be a mother. Words cannot express the love I feel as I hold my sweet children.

Monday, December 15, 2008

An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination

A while ago I read about this book An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination: A Memoir by Elizabeth McCraken on The Book Nest. It is about a woman whose first child was stillborn.

There were many parts of the book that stated my feeling so well. Here are some quotes from the book that echo my feelings.

...a person who is dead is a long, long story. You may move on from it, but the death will never disappear from view. Your friends might say, Time heals all wounds. No, it doesn't, but eventually you'll feel better. You'll be yourself again. Your child will still be dead.

I would have done the whole thing over again even knowing how it would end.

I had just stepped over the border from happy pregnancy to grief.

He was a person. I missed him like a person. Seeing babies on streets did not stab me with pain the way I know they stab some grieving women, those who have lost children or simply desperately want to have them. For me, other babies were other babies. They weren't who I was missing.

Before Pudding (Scott) died, I'd thought condolence notes were simply small bits of old-fashioned etiquette, important but universally acknowledged as inadequate gestures. Now they felt like oxygen, and only now do I fully understand why: to know that other people were sad made Pudding (Scott) more real.

My grief was still fresh, grief last longer than sympathy.

I didn't know the woman, but I loved her. I'd felt the same thing meeting another couple on campus, a professor and his wife who'd written me when Pudding died to send condolences and to say that they'd had a daughter who was stillborn nearly thirty years before. All I can say is, it's sort of a kinship, as though there is a family tree of grief.

Twice now I've heard the story of someone who knows someones who's had a stillborn since Pudding has died, and it's all I can do not to book a flight immediately, to show up somewhere I'm not wanted, just so I can say, It happened to me, too, because it meant so much to me to hear it. It happened to me, too, meant: It's not your fault. And You are not a freak of nature. And This doesn't have to be a secret.

That's how it works. When a baby dies, other dead children become suddenly visible.

If you are a mother of a dead child yourself-they will keep coming to you.

I did know him, not with my brain but with my body.

We'd known all along I'd be induce, and I'd said that I wanted to avoid the end of April, particularly April 27, not for my sake but for the kid's; it seemed like a too weighty fact to have in your biography, being born a year to the day after your brother who didn't survive.

Edward (Joseph) had shouldered a great deal in the past few days, he had pushed his enormous pain aside to tend to me.

I find myself thankful for small things.

...she wanted permission to remember her child with pleasure instead of grief. To remember that he was dead, but to remember him without pain: he's dead of course but she still loves him, and that love isn't morbid or bloodstained or unsightly, it doesn't need to be shoved away.
Hopefully you are able to piece these quotes from the book together and make sense of what I read/felt.

Monday, December 8, 2008

Conversation with Callie

A few weeks ago my niece Callie (4 years old)was in town. The two of us were in my car and I asked her what I should name the new baby. She likes Spencer best. We then had the following conversation.

Callie- How come Scott had to die?
Me- Heavenly Father needed him to be a missionary in Heaven.
Callie- Scott's a missionary?
Me- Yep.
Callie- But I never even got to see him.

Riley often tells me she misses Scott and that she wishes he didn't die. I am so grateful that my family has talked to their children about Scott. It makes me happy whenever the little ones talk about their cousin.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

I love my baby boy so much and miss having him with me each day. I think about him daily and wish I could give him a kiss. I think what he would be like as he grows each day. I think of watching Hayden interact with him. I am grateful for the knowledge of eternal families and that I know we will be together again.
This is the poem that was on the program for Scott's funeral.

I'm going to tell you something
I hope you'll never have to know.
I'll tell you how a heart can break
And tears can constant flow.
I lost my baby boy you see,
An angel in my eyes
God chose to take his hand one day
And led him to the skies.
But please do not forget my child
He was a person too
And forever he will live
Inside of me and you.
So, please don't ever tell me
That time will heal my pain
Because not even time
Can bring him back again.
Just tell me he is happy
In that land way up above
He's snuggled in an angels wings
All wrapped in Mommy's love.

Author Unknown

Saturday, October 11, 2008

A Walk to Remember

As I mentioned a few weeks ago, October is Pregnancy and Infancy Loss Awareness Month. Today was the 13th annual Walk to Remember at Larkin Sunset Lawn. I feel very blessed that we were able to attend today. We were able to order shirts and other items with our baby's name on them.

There was a short program and then a short walk and balloon release. One of the women on the Share board read a sweet poem and introduced the speakers. I wish I had a copy of the poem because it rings so true. I talks about when we talk about our baby it might bring a tear to our eye but how much joy it brings to our hearts to hear other call our baby by name. It is so true. I love to hear others talk about my precious little Scott.

The speakers had a baby die 41 years ago when he was 18 hours old. Richard Pual Evans, author of The Christmas Box, contacted them 14 years ago to help with an angel statue that is now placed in Salt Lake City Cemetary to represent the child of the woman in the book ho visited her baby's grave. It is beautiful statue. It was so sweet to listen to the mother talk about her baby and tell us that life goes on but you never forget and even 41 years later shed a tear for your sweet baby.

A girl then sang a song called Calling All Angels, that I believe her brother had written when his baby girl died. After this short program we went outside and took a balloon and wrote our child's name on it. They then read all the babies names and we released our balloon when our baby's name was read.

It is so difficult to have a baby die but I was overwhelmed by the feelings I felt as some families had multiple childrens' names read. I cannot even imagine the pain those mothers must feel to go through such a difficult trial multiple times. I hope and pray that Heavenly Father does not see fit for me to experience this ever again. But with my current pregnancy I can't help but wonder if holding this baby in my womb is going to be the only chance I have to be with him too.

At the end of the balloon release they had refreshments and a rose for each of the mothers. It was a tearful event for me but such a wonderful experience as well to think about my precious Scott.

Thursday, October 9, 2008


Scott's headstone was finally set today. As I drove into the cemetery, hoping it would be there but not knowing for sure, I was a little nervous. I quickly could tell that it was there and could do nothing but smile. I am so happy to finally have it in place. It feels wonderful to see my baby's name in print and know that it will be seen by many others as well. I don't even have the words to accurately portray my feelings.
As we left the cemetery, Hayden kept waving and saying, "Bye Scott." I love that Hayden is learning about his little brother.

Friday, September 12, 2008

I Have Footprints on My Heart

October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. The Share Foundation has an annual Walk to Remember.In Salt Lake the 2008 Walk to Remember and balloon release will be held October 11, 200 at 1:00 pm at the Larkin Mortuary.

Larkin Sunset Lawn
2350 East 1300 South
Salt Lake City, UT 84108
In Davis County the Walk is at 10:00 at the Layton Park. There are also different walks all over the country.

I am really looking forward to participating in this event. You you are anyone you know is interested please pass on this information or contact me for more.
There are shirts available with your baby's name and other memorabilia. The orders need to be in by September 26. So please don't wait to share this information.

Here are the links for the Share Foundation

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Week 23

I am just beginning my 23rd week of pregnancy. I was in my 23rd week when Scott was born. The nurses and doctors at the hospital told me that babies born at this stage have no chance of survival. I just finished updating the pregnancy information on the side of my blog. I copy and paste that information directly from It says that by the end of the week the survival rate is 85%. I was 22 weeks 5 days, or in other words two days short of "the end of the week." Why did they not even attempt to do anything for my baby?

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Memorial Service

We had Scott's service on Thursday, 07 August 2007. It was a wonderful day for our family. Thanks to all of those who participated in this special day with our family. Thanks Sarah for the wonderful pictures.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Funeral Talk

It was just over a year ago when Joe and I went to the temple and when we came out we both felt so strongly that it was time to have another baby. Hayden was not quite eight months old. I always wanted to have my children close but never imagined having them that close. We didn’t think it would happen immediately but less than a month later we found out we were expected. We were so excited. I am truly amazed at how a mother, before she has ever seen or held her infant loves them instantaneously. The beginning of the pregnancy I had a few problems so I had some very early ultrasounds. By six weeks we could see our baby’s heart beating, however there was not much more than that. The problems ended within a few weeks and everything was going well. In December, I had another ultrasound and we got to see our tiny baby, now with a darling face, fingers and toes. Our baby was healthy and strong. It was only a short nine days later when I gave birth to my beautiful baby, Scott.

Heavenly Father has taught me so many things during the last seven months. As I share my experiences and the lessons I have learned I pray you can feel of my testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ and the love of our Heavenly Father.

When my water broke I knew I was going to deliver my baby. I knew that he was too little to live outside of my womb. As I lay in the hospital bed I had the chance to pay close attention to the movements of my little baby. Oh how he wiggled. The nurse came in often to monitor the baby and there were many times I told her she didn’t need to because he was doing somersaults. I began feeling Scott move very early during my pregnancy. As I look back on this, I am so grateful to have been allowed to hold my baby for the five months that I did and to feel of his movements.

While I was in the hospital I was amazed at the overwhelming peace I felt. I know that my Savior was by my side the entire time. Right before I went to the hospital Joe and Matt gave me a priesthood blessing. After the blessing Christopher said, “I am so glad we go to church because now we have the priesthood and can have priesthood blessings.” More than all the other words that had been spoken those are the words that brought me the most comfort.

As I lay in the hospital bed the doctors and nurses kept checking me and saying everything looked fine and it was just a matter of time before I delivered. Maybe a day or a week they really couldn’t tell. I had a long time to think and pray about the situation. One thing that Heavenly Father kept letting me know is that Scott was not going to stay with us, no matter how long it took. I thought often about my other baby who needed me too. I remember praying to Heavenly Father and telling him that if it really was going to end in my baby dying to please let it hurry and pass because Hayden needed me too. Not long after I said that prayer, I had an ultrasound which again showed that the baby was OK. The doctor said to me again that he was not sure how long it will be until I delivered; maybe tomorrow or the next day. I will never forget how I looked at him and said, “No, it is soon, it will be very soon.” Immediately, I started having very painful contractions and it was only a few hours later that Scott was born. I know that Heavenly Father waited for me to be ready, to give me the time that I needed to cope with the situation and to listen to the Holy Ghost tell me, “All is well. Families are forever.”
Unfortunately, after coming home from the hospital I began to forget the sweet spirit I felt in the hospital. I thought perhaps Heavenly Father took my sweet baby from me because I was not worthy to have him. I wondered why we felt like we needed to have another baby when I already had a baby, if it was going to end like this. I questioned why I didn’t have a miscarriage at five weeks when I first had some problems. Heavenly Father has told me the same thing over and over. Scott needed to come to this Earth and receive a body. From the ultrasound at five weeks I know that Scott did not have a body. He had a blob of cells that would eventually form into a body.

I have prayed and had a number of priesthood blessings. Every time after praying or following a blessing I have thought of D&C 6:22-23 “Verily, verily, I say unto you, if you desire a further witness, cast your mind upon the night that you cried to me in your heart, that you might know the truth of these things. Did I not speak peace to your mind concerning the matter? What greater witness can you have than from God?” Heavenly Father wants me to remember the spirit I felt while in the hospital. When I do, I am again filled with peace.

The Prophet, Joseph Smith is quoted as saying, “In my leisure moments I have meditated upon the subject, and asked the question, why it is that infants, innocent children, are taken away from us, especially those that seem to be the most intelligent and interesting. The strongest reasons that present themselves to my mind are these: This world is a very wicked world; and it … grows more wicked and corrupt. … The Lord takes many away, even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth; therefore, if rightly considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil, and we shall soon have them again. …”

Those words are so comforting to me. Heavenly Father did not take my baby from me because I wasn’t worthy; he took him from me because he has that much faith and trust in me that I would be able to handle this difficult trial and Scott was to pure to be in this world.

A week after Scott was born we went to the temple to do sealings. I have done sealing many times in the past but this time meant so much more to me than ever before. I really pondered my temple marriage and the promise that my family is sealed to one another for eternity.
Again quoting Joseph Smith, “A question may be asked—‘Will mothers have their children in eternity?’ Yes! Yes! Mothers, you shall have your children; for they shall have eternal life, for their debt is paid.”
“Children … must rise just as they died; we can there hail our lovely infants with the same glory—the same loveliness in the celestial glory.”
“You will have the joy, the pleasure and satisfaction of nurturing this child, after its resurrection, until it reaches the full stature of its spirit.” …
The thing that stood out the most to me while participating in sealings is that we are promised that we will “come forth in the morning of the first resurrection.” Heavenly Father is truly a loving father. He will not make us wait even until the afternoon. I will be reunited with Scott in the morning of the first resurrection.

In my patriarchal blessing it states, “You will be blessed with wonderful children who will be an honor to you.” I used to think that this meant that my children were never going to do anything wrong. Now I see a different side. I feel so honored that Heavenly Father blessed me with such a perfect baby boy. I know where he is and I know how to get back to him again. I am so honored to be Scott’s mom.

Heavenly Father is still mindful of our families’ situation, even seven months later. He knows that I still hurt every day. He knows how much I miss Scott and wish that things could have gone differently. But I know he has not forgotten me.

1 Nephi 1:20 reads “But behold, I, Nephi, will show unto you that the tender mercies of the Lord are over all those whom he hath chosen, because of their faith, to make them mighty even unto the power of deliverance.” In the April 2005 General Conference, Elder Bednar taught “The Lord’s tender mercies are the very personal and individualized blessings, strength, protection, assurances, guidance, loving-kindnesses, consolation, support, and spiritual gifts which we receive from and because of and through the Lord Jesus Christ.”

Receiving word last week that Scott’s remains were available to us and we would be able to have a proper burial for him is nothing short of a “tender mercy of the Lord.” It is just what Elder Bednar said, a blessing, loving-kindness, assurance, and consolation.

As Christopher taught me so well all of the blessings we have received come because we are members of the true church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Later Day Saints. I am so glad we go to church because now we have the priesthood and can have priesthood blessings. I am so glad we go to church because I know families are eternal. I am so glad we go to church because I know I will get to raise Scott after the resurrection. I am so glad we go to church because I know Scott will again be made whole. I am so glad we go to church because I know that I have a father in Heaven who is mindful of me and loves me enough to let his son die so that all this is possible.

I say this in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Thursday, July 31, 2008

Memorial Service

Dear Family and Friends

When Scott was born in December, Joe and I made the uneducated decision to allow the hospital to care of Scott's tiny body. This is a decision that has been very hard to deal with since that time. About six weeks ago I wrote a letter to the hospital explaining some of my concerns with the lack of information and support I received while in the hospital. Two or three weeks ago Joe and I decided we would like to purchase burial plots for the two of us and we would place a headstone for Scott on one of the plots. This week, Tuesday, I received a letter from the hospital in response to my letter. One thing the letter said was that they contacted the gentleman who does the cremations for them, and he still had the remains of Scott. They gave me his name and number and I called him. He was very kind and said he has been dealing with this for long enough that he knows often times parents desire to have their baby back, so he keeps them in case they call. He also said he is continually taking to the hospital trying to get them to give parents more information. Yesterday he delivered Scott's remains to us.

We will be having a memorial service next Thursday to dedicate the grave and bury Scott's remains. We would love to have anyone who would like to participate in this special ceremony with us.

Thursday, August 7, 2008
Riverton City Cemetery
1500 W 13200 S

If you will be in attendance please let me know so that I know how many to plan on. Thank you so much for your prayers and support the last several months.

Joe & Jessica Young

PS I know I do not have email addresses for everyone I should. If you know someone who would want to come please pass on the information?

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Ups and Downs

Yesterday marked seven months since Scott was born. Oh how I wish he could have stayed here on Earth with us. Not a day goes by that I don't think about my precious little angel baby. As you can imagine there have been a lot of ups and downs in the last seven months. Thankfully I have Hayden, who brings so much joy into my life.

I have the molds of Scott on the shelf in the family room. Hayden loves to hold them. A few weeks ago Hayden began saying Scott. It sounds more like "A-dot." It is adorable. Last Friday Hayden walked over to the shelf, put his hands out and said, "A-dot" to show me he wanted to hold the molds. It makes me so happy that even though Scott isn't with us he is still part of our family and Hayden is learning about him. That was a big "UP" for me.

Unfortunately not everything is an "UP." Friday afternoon I was reading blogs. Sarah (her baby girl, Savannah, was stillborn in Feb.) had a link on her blog to a family whose baby was still born a few weeks ago. It is so heartbreaking to me to know that there are so many families dealing with this very difficult situation. I bawled for so long on Friday, partly because of the sadness I feel because Scott isn't here but partly because of the sorrow I feel for this family as well.

Saturday I was shopping and Wal-Mart and I saw someone that looked familiar, but I couldn't place him. As I was standing by the door he had walked out and walked back in to come talk to me. He said, "You're Allen's sister, right?" As soon as he said that I realized it was my brother's friend Andy. He told me Allen had told him about my baby and he just wanted to say he was sorry. It meant so much to me that he would go out of his way to do this.

So many people avoid talking about Scott. Please know that Scott is a part of my family. I love him so much and I love to talk about him. It is so much harder for me when people forget about him or think that I am pregnant with my second child. Please, if you ever are wondering something about me, Scott, the experience of losing a baby etc., please don't hesitate to ask. It does not make me uncomfortable. I love to talk about my baby.

Friday, June 27, 2008

Research Study

I am participating in a research study about spontaneous preterm births. I met with the doctor, Dr. Esplin, yesterday. (I met Dr. Esplin at the hospital the day Scott was born.) In addition to the study he will be seeing me throughout my pregnancy as I am being treated high risk.

I see Dr. Esplin three times for the study. Each time the will collect every kind of liquid sample they can get from me. They also do an ultrasound at each of those visits. The next time I see him for the research study will be in 3 weeks, I think.

I will see him at 18 weeks and the will start me on progesterone to keep hormone levels high. They will also do an ultrasound to check my cervix. They will check it again at 20 and 24 weeks to see if I have an incompetent cervix and need it sewn shut. They also check me for infection every time since that was the problem with Scott.

Because Scott was born early I have a 30% chance of having another preterm birth this time. That is not to say I would deliver at 23 weeks, but sometime before 37 weeks. Depending on how things go they might start me on steroids as early as 24 weeks to help the baby's lungs develop quicker. They will also watch me closely for contractions and see if I need to be on bed rest. But right now everything looks good.

I feel really good about doing this study and seeing Dr. Esplin. He said we will take every precaution with this pregnancy. I was glad when he said if I am every nervous or concerned to call him and he will get me in. He doesn't want me home worrying.

It was confirmed during the ultrasound that there is only one baby. I was kind of hoping for twins. I think it is a girl. Do you have a prediction?

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

SLY as a Fox

Before Scott was born we decided if we had a boy his name would be Scott Leland Young. We quickly noticed his initials, SLY. I often joked that we would have a sly little fox on our hands. I would say "when he is in high school the girls are going to tell him he's foxxy."

Last week Joe and I purchased this darling little fox stuffed animal. I was so excited when it was finally delivered last night. I have been checking the mail frequently. It is so soft. I love it.
Laura and Sarah, we better watch out, my sly little fox might be after one of your girls in the millennium. (Especially if he is at all as much of a flirt as Hayden is.)

Monday, May 26, 2008

In Rememberance of Scott

When Scott was born the people at Joe's work, UESP, gave us a gift card to Western Gardens. We decided that we wanted to use the money to purchase a tree in remembrance of Scott. We finally were able to get to the nursery today to pick out a tree.

I absolutely love magnolia trees (I even used to ask my family to call my Noli, short for Magnolia). We looked at several different varieties and settled on the Royal Star. I love the name of it. Joe really liked this one because it stays relatively small and Scott was very small.

I really hope that it grows well. We asked if we would be able to transplant it when we move and they said it would be fine. I look forward to watching our little tree grow and thinking about my little Scott.

This morning as we were getting ready to go to the nursery Joe told Hayden we were going to buy a tree to remember Scott by. Hayden turned around and walked to the book shelf and pointed up to the molds I have displayed of Scott. That made me so very happy. I love both my boys so much.

Happy Memorial Day!

Friday, May 16, 2008

Mother's Day

My sister helped me make this to give to my mom and Joe's mom for Mother's Day. I had wanted to give them molds of Scott's feet but we can't get the plaster molds to come out of the mold without breaking. I love the way it turned out.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Difficult Day

This is a wonderful book!
Today is the day I was scheduled to have a C-section to deliver my baby. Instead, Scott Leland Young was stillborn on December 28, 2007. When I woke up this morning I realized I had been dreaming about Scott and the series of events that have taken place since his passing. The day started off very melancholy.

Joe took the day off from work so he could be with me today. Even though I am sad it has been a good day. My sister, Rachael, called bright and early to see how I was doing. A little while later my sister-in-law, Erika called me, too. It means so much to me to know that people care.

My friend Candice tended Hayden so Joe and I could go to the Salt Lake Temple to do sealings. I feel so close to my little Scotty when I am there. We weren't able to do sealings after all but we were able to sit together in the Celestial Room for a long time. It was wonderful to be there.

When Scott was born the hospital made molds of his hands, feet, and face out of plaster. I was afraid of them breaking so I had Stan Watts at Atlas Bronze Casting cast them in bronze for me. After weeks and weeks of waiting and calling multiple times they were finally ready for me today. My mom tended Hayden so I could pick them up this morning.

I couldn't have asked for anything better today. Since I didn't get to have my baby today at least I have his sweet molds. I will cherish them always.

He was so tiny but so perfect. He even had little finger nails.

He had such long fingers. I'm sure he would have been a great piano player.

He looked so much like his big brother, Hayden.

He curled his toes just like his daddy and big brother do.

I am so grateful for these wonderful treasures.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Families are Forever

Last weekend my sister, Rebecca, and her husband, Lance, were sealed to their children, Riley, and Brea, for time and all eternity. This is so special to me. I have prayed for years for this day to come. I am so proud of them. I love them so much and am grateful that we will all be together forever.

I am so happy that they, too, will get to be with my baby Scott again one day.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

"I Am a Mother"

Cleaning and scrubbing can wait for tomorrow,
For babies grow up, I've learned, to my sorrow.
So quiet down, cobwebs. Dust go to sleep.
I'm rocking my baby, and babies don't keep.
-Author unknown

My dad told me a while ago to stop stressing about my house not being as clean as it was before I got married and had children. Sometimes I feel that if the furniture needs dusting or the floors need to be vacuumed I must not be doing a good job as a wife and mother.

Since Scott was born, I seem to be getting a better perspective on life and what really matters. I am so grateful to be a mother. It is the best thing in the world. I love playing on the floor with Hayden everyday. I love it when he gets a book of the shelf and brings it to me to read to him. We have so much fun at story time and Little Gym.

Hayden doesn't care if the house is not spotless. But he gets so sad if I won't play with him because I "think" I am too busy. I realize how fast Hayden is growing up. I do not want to miss out on making memories with my sweet little boy. I love both of my baby boys so much.

This morning I finished reading "I Am a Mother" by Jane Clayson Johnson. I really enjoyed this book. All my life I have wanted to be a mom. I have never felt that I was "just a mom" as mentioned in the book. But after reading her book I am even more grateful for the wonderful calling of motherhood.

Friday, February 29, 2008

Nine Long Weeks

It has been nine weeks today (two months yesterday) since I gave birth to my beautiful baby boy Scott Leland Young. How I wish things had turned out differently. I wish I still had him with me. It is amazing how much love I have for someone I only had with me for such a short time (and only in my womb).I feel I am doing really well for the most part. I still have hard days. I have a really difficult time sleeping through the night; everytime I wake up I realize I have been thinking about Scott. He will always have a big place.Yesterday I took the molds of Scott's hands and feet to Stan Watts, a sculptor, who is going to bronze them for me. I look forward to getting them back. I love to look at them and remember my sweet baby boy.

Nine Long Weeks

It has been nine weeks today (two months yesterday) since I gave birth to my beautiful baby boy Scott Leland Young. How I wish things had turned out differently. I wish I still had him with me. It is amazing how much love I have for someone I only had with me for such a short time (and only in my womb).

I feel I am doing really well for the most part. I still have hard days. I have a really difficult time sleeping through the night; everytime I wake up I realize I have been thinking about Scott. He will always have a big place.

Yesterday I took the molds of Scott's hands and feet to Stan Watts, a sculptor, who is going to bronze them for me. I look forward to getting them back. I love to look at them and remember my sweet baby boy.

Monday, January 28, 2008

One Month

It has been one month since the passing of my beautiful baby boy Scott Leland Young. This month has been very difficult but very special to me as well. I have had every emotion imaginable and I have learned so amazing things.

I have asked myself so many questions of what could have been done to save my baby. I have wondered if I was two weeks further along if the doctors would have been able to save him. I have come to the understanding that Scott was never supposed to come home from the hospital with me.

When I got pregnant people kept asking me if I planned the pregnancy or if I wanted to be pregnant because Hayden was only eight months old. Oh yes, I wanted this baby and it was definitely planned! After the horrible experience of having Hayden I thought it would be quite a while before I had another baby. Then Joe and I felt like we wanted to have another baby sooner. One night we went to the temple and as we were leaving we both felt that we needed to get pregnant soon. It was four weeks later that we found out I was pregnant. Two days after discovering that I was going to have a baby I began bleeding. We were very scared and began praying that I would be able to give birth to this baby. We went to the doctor and started having blood test and ultra sounds to determine how far along I was. It was determined from the ultra sound that I was five weeks pregnant. At this point all you could see was an egg sack, no heart beat. The following week I had another ultra sound and there was a heart beat. They determined that I had a very small hemorrhage. By my next appointment four weeks later everything was going smoothly and the fear was subsiding.

December 19 I had another ultra sound and again everything looked great. The baby was growing strong and healthy and the pregnancy was going fine. Only four days later I began feeling like something was wrong. We began calling the doctor and going into the hospital. On December 27 my water broke and by that night I knew that my baby was not going to live. It was uncertain however, how long it would be until my baby was born.

While I was in the hospital I felt very close to my Savior, Jesus Christ. I thought a lot about when he was in the Garden of Gethsemane. He prayed to the Father saying, “If it be possible, let this cup pass from me. Nevertheless, not my will but thine be done.” I asked my Father in Heaven if it was possible for me to have this baby but told him if it was his will for the baby to go back to him I would do it. I knew at that time it was the will of God for my baby to get a body and go home to Heaven.

While in the hospital the baby was so active moving around in my womb and its heartbeat was very strong. I knew that my baby was perfect. In the evening of the 28th while having an ultra sound the doctor said they did not know how long it would be until I delivered my baby. It might be the next day or a few days they would just keep monitoring me. By this time I knew that my baby wasn’t coming home with me and I had told Heavenly Father that I couldn’t take much more. I then told the doctor, “No, it will be soon, very soon.” As soon as I said that I began having very painful contractions. I told our family who were at the hospital not to leave that the baby would be born soon. I felt as though Heavenly Father was giving me the time I needed to cope with and understand what was happening. As soon as I said I was ready I gave birth. I had Joe go into the hall to find Doctor Bennett and tell her to come in. I told her the baby was ready to be born and I delivered a beautiful baby boy. I felt like Heavenly Father had put it in my hands just as he did with our Savior Jesus Christ as he hung on the cross. As soon as Jesus said “It is finished.” He died. It wasn’t until I was ready that Scott was born.

In the days following the birth of Scott I have questioned why Joe and I had felt so prompted to have a baby and got pregnant so quickly. Or why I did not have a miscarriage at five weeks. That would have probably been easier to handle. But then I realized something, Scott needed a body! If I had miscarried Scott would not have received his body. There wasn’t even a hear beat yet.

In my patriarchal blessing it states that my children will be an honor to me. I have always liked that line thinking that my children will never do anything wrong. This experience has taught me something more about this statement. I have realized that my baby was so perfect that all he needed was a body. Because of the atonement of Jesus Christ all children are alive in Christ. Scott has a guaranteed spot in the Celestial kingdom. I feel so deeply honored to be Scott’s mom. I feel so honored that Heavenly Father has blessed me with a child who is so perfect that he only need to receive his body.

I have learned that my Father in Heaven has a lot of faith and trust in me. We have been promised that we will never be tested or receive challenges that we are not capable of bearing. Heavenly Father knew that I was capable of overcoming this tragic situation. It is only through the atonement of Jesus Christ that I am making it through day to day. I am not alone. When Jesus suffered in the Garden not only did he pay the price for my sins he also suffered for my pains and afflictions. I have felt the love of Heavenly Father and Jesus during this difficult time.

When I was in the hospital I felt so much peace and love I knew that everything would be OK. After coming home from the hospital things have been very difficult. Every time I have been having a particularly hard time I have prayed that I could feel the peace I felt while in the hospital. In the Doctrine and Covenants it says to cast your thoughts on the night that Heavenly Father testified something. And then states “What greater witness can you have that from God.” In the hospital I had received the testimony that all was well. Each time I begin to doubt I just remember that scripture and ask for that same peace when I knew all is well.

The night my water broke Joe and Matt gave me a blessing prior to me leaving for the hospital. After the blessing Christopher said, “I’m so glad we go to church because know we have the priesthood and can have priesthood blessings.” During my time in the hospital I thought a lot about that sentence. I too am glad we go to church. Not only for the priesthood blessings, although the brought me so much peace. But because I have learned that families are forever. I told Joe that I have always been grateful for my temple marriage but it has never meant quite the same thing to me as it does now. I know that I will be with Scott again. And I look forward to that day. But not only will I be with Scott but Hayden will get the chance to be with his little brother again as well.

The day I found out that the hospital had not taken pictures of Scott I began crying uncontrollably. I told my mom if I had to do it all over again I would do it so differently. I said I would hold him for hours and hours, I would take pictures and I would bury him. She then kindly told me that I did hold him for hours and hours. I held him in my womb and could feel him move and kick for weeks and no one could do that. She reminded me that in the hospital I said that I had a picture in my mind of Scott that I would always have. That I said his little mouth was just like Hayden’s. His little left arm was up by his cheek and his right arm was across his body. He had perfect fingers and toes with finger nails and toe nails. His ears were so perfect and cute. Everything about him was perfect. She reminded me that I wanted Scott to be able to help in research for other babies. There were reasons for the decisions I made. While it is sometimes hard to understand the decisions I made I need to remember the spirit that was with me and I was not making rash decisions. They were all good decisions.

Since coming home from the hospital I have felt an extreme pressure to make some changes in my life. I rarely watch television and when I do I am picky about what I watch. I am reading my scriptures and prying everyday. I feel such a responsibility to be perfect so I can return to be with Scott again. I know that Scott has a reserved place in the Celestial Kingdom and if I want to be with him again I need to do everything I can to keep myself worthy. I am so grateful for the scriptures and prayer and that through them I can have the Holy Ghost with me to give me peace and love. I am grateful for the temple and the opportunity to go there often. As I have done sealings since having Scott I have paid very close attention to the words spoken. One line that particularly touched me last time was that we have power to come forth in the morning of the first resurrection. What a blessing this is to me. I get to be in the first group. I do not have to keep waiting to be with Scott again. I get to be first!

I am so grateful for little Hayden. It was hard on him while I was in the hospital wondering where his mommy was. When I came home he started waking up during the night and it seems that he just needed the reassurance that I was there. I am so grateful for those nights because I struggled sleeping as well. I would go in his room and rock him and he would cuddle up to me and go back to sleep. I am so grateful that Heavenly Father has blessed me with Hayden. Amid all the tears smiles surely have to come when he is around. I love him so much.

Joe has been such a wonderful support to me at this difficult time. I know he has had a hard time as well but instead of focusing on his heartache he has been there for me. I have cried on his shoulder countless times. I am very blessed to have such a wonderful husband who is a worthy priesthood holder. I feel that our marriage is so much stronger and by going through this experience together we can overcome any of life’s trials.

There have been countless others who have been so supportive at this difficult time form family members, to friends, to ward members to complete strangers in the mall. The world is full of good people and I feel blessed to have them around me.

Although this experience has been very challenging and I really wish I could hold my sweet baby boy, I know that Heavenly Father has blessed me in countless ways during this difficult time. I am so grateful for all I have learned and pray that because of Sweet Scott I will continue to learn and grow and prepare myself for Exaltation.

Thursday, January 3, 2008

Letter From Daddy

January 3, 2008

Dear Scott,

It has been almost a week since you were born. This has given me plenty of time to think about what I want to say to you today.

Even though your mother and I decided not to find out your gender, I knew all along that you were a little boy. I might have told others that I thought you’d be a girl, but I knew in my heart that I was going to have another boy to raise into a future Priesthood holder. It is kind of strange how a parent can kind of instinctively know something about a child they’ve never met before.

When I came to the full realization that you might not make it past birth, I prayed for a very long time that a miracle might happen, that you might be born and survive and grow up with us. When this didn’t happen, I was devastated and I cried for a while in your mother’s lap just before she gave birth to you. I didn’t fully understand why a miracle couldn’t happen. It broke my heart that I would never get the chance to give you a father’s blessing. I would never be able to teach you how to play ball. I would never get the chance to take you to a football game. I would never see you grow up and gain a testimony and receive the Priesthood and serve a mission. Why wouldn’t the Lord allow this miracle to happen?

But miracles did happen, Scott. My testimony has grown immensely since that night in the hospital. I have felt of our Savior’s love. He atoned not only for our sins, but for our emotional pains and sorrows as well. He knows what we are going through, and He is there to comfort us. Is there any greater miracle than the Atonement? Through this supreme act of selfless love, our Savior also redeemed little children and made them perfect in Him. I wonder if perhaps you have met Christ and hugged him. If so, I would count you as the luckiest little boy I know.

I want you to know how very much I love you and miss you. I hope and pray that right now you are in the comforting arms of angels. I hope that you have met your ancestors, some of which you were named after. I hope that you will always be with us, watching over us and waiting for us in heaven. I pray with all my heart that I can live my life worthily enough to see you again, to hold you again. I hope to someday crawl around on the floor with you, to laugh with you, to tickle you, to throw you into the air and catch you, to go on campouts with you, to watch you snuggle your mom. The more that I think about what I am missing, the more I cling to my testimony and my faith that your day will come.

I will never forget that night when you were born. I don’t think that a day will ever pass that I won’t think of you at least once, and pray in my heart that I can be with you again. I love you so much and I can’t wait to see you.