Monday, January 28, 2008

One Month

It has been one month since the passing of my beautiful baby boy Scott Leland Young. This month has been very difficult but very special to me as well. I have had every emotion imaginable and I have learned so amazing things.

I have asked myself so many questions of what could have been done to save my baby. I have wondered if I was two weeks further along if the doctors would have been able to save him. I have come to the understanding that Scott was never supposed to come home from the hospital with me.

When I got pregnant people kept asking me if I planned the pregnancy or if I wanted to be pregnant because Hayden was only eight months old. Oh yes, I wanted this baby and it was definitely planned! After the horrible experience of having Hayden I thought it would be quite a while before I had another baby. Then Joe and I felt like we wanted to have another baby sooner. One night we went to the temple and as we were leaving we both felt that we needed to get pregnant soon. It was four weeks later that we found out I was pregnant. Two days after discovering that I was going to have a baby I began bleeding. We were very scared and began praying that I would be able to give birth to this baby. We went to the doctor and started having blood test and ultra sounds to determine how far along I was. It was determined from the ultra sound that I was five weeks pregnant. At this point all you could see was an egg sack, no heart beat. The following week I had another ultra sound and there was a heart beat. They determined that I had a very small hemorrhage. By my next appointment four weeks later everything was going smoothly and the fear was subsiding.

December 19 I had another ultra sound and again everything looked great. The baby was growing strong and healthy and the pregnancy was going fine. Only four days later I began feeling like something was wrong. We began calling the doctor and going into the hospital. On December 27 my water broke and by that night I knew that my baby was not going to live. It was uncertain however, how long it would be until my baby was born.

While I was in the hospital I felt very close to my Savior, Jesus Christ. I thought a lot about when he was in the Garden of Gethsemane. He prayed to the Father saying, “If it be possible, let this cup pass from me. Nevertheless, not my will but thine be done.” I asked my Father in Heaven if it was possible for me to have this baby but told him if it was his will for the baby to go back to him I would do it. I knew at that time it was the will of God for my baby to get a body and go home to Heaven.

While in the hospital the baby was so active moving around in my womb and its heartbeat was very strong. I knew that my baby was perfect. In the evening of the 28th while having an ultra sound the doctor said they did not know how long it would be until I delivered my baby. It might be the next day or a few days they would just keep monitoring me. By this time I knew that my baby wasn’t coming home with me and I had told Heavenly Father that I couldn’t take much more. I then told the doctor, “No, it will be soon, very soon.” As soon as I said that I began having very painful contractions. I told our family who were at the hospital not to leave that the baby would be born soon. I felt as though Heavenly Father was giving me the time I needed to cope with and understand what was happening. As soon as I said I was ready I gave birth. I had Joe go into the hall to find Doctor Bennett and tell her to come in. I told her the baby was ready to be born and I delivered a beautiful baby boy. I felt like Heavenly Father had put it in my hands just as he did with our Savior Jesus Christ as he hung on the cross. As soon as Jesus said “It is finished.” He died. It wasn’t until I was ready that Scott was born.

In the days following the birth of Scott I have questioned why Joe and I had felt so prompted to have a baby and got pregnant so quickly. Or why I did not have a miscarriage at five weeks. That would have probably been easier to handle. But then I realized something, Scott needed a body! If I had miscarried Scott would not have received his body. There wasn’t even a hear beat yet.

In my patriarchal blessing it states that my children will be an honor to me. I have always liked that line thinking that my children will never do anything wrong. This experience has taught me something more about this statement. I have realized that my baby was so perfect that all he needed was a body. Because of the atonement of Jesus Christ all children are alive in Christ. Scott has a guaranteed spot in the Celestial kingdom. I feel so deeply honored to be Scott’s mom. I feel so honored that Heavenly Father has blessed me with a child who is so perfect that he only need to receive his body.

I have learned that my Father in Heaven has a lot of faith and trust in me. We have been promised that we will never be tested or receive challenges that we are not capable of bearing. Heavenly Father knew that I was capable of overcoming this tragic situation. It is only through the atonement of Jesus Christ that I am making it through day to day. I am not alone. When Jesus suffered in the Garden not only did he pay the price for my sins he also suffered for my pains and afflictions. I have felt the love of Heavenly Father and Jesus during this difficult time.

When I was in the hospital I felt so much peace and love I knew that everything would be OK. After coming home from the hospital things have been very difficult. Every time I have been having a particularly hard time I have prayed that I could feel the peace I felt while in the hospital. In the Doctrine and Covenants it says to cast your thoughts on the night that Heavenly Father testified something. And then states “What greater witness can you have that from God.” In the hospital I had received the testimony that all was well. Each time I begin to doubt I just remember that scripture and ask for that same peace when I knew all is well.

The night my water broke Joe and Matt gave me a blessing prior to me leaving for the hospital. After the blessing Christopher said, “I’m so glad we go to church because know we have the priesthood and can have priesthood blessings.” During my time in the hospital I thought a lot about that sentence. I too am glad we go to church. Not only for the priesthood blessings, although the brought me so much peace. But because I have learned that families are forever. I told Joe that I have always been grateful for my temple marriage but it has never meant quite the same thing to me as it does now. I know that I will be with Scott again. And I look forward to that day. But not only will I be with Scott but Hayden will get the chance to be with his little brother again as well.

The day I found out that the hospital had not taken pictures of Scott I began crying uncontrollably. I told my mom if I had to do it all over again I would do it so differently. I said I would hold him for hours and hours, I would take pictures and I would bury him. She then kindly told me that I did hold him for hours and hours. I held him in my womb and could feel him move and kick for weeks and no one could do that. She reminded me that in the hospital I said that I had a picture in my mind of Scott that I would always have. That I said his little mouth was just like Hayden’s. His little left arm was up by his cheek and his right arm was across his body. He had perfect fingers and toes with finger nails and toe nails. His ears were so perfect and cute. Everything about him was perfect. She reminded me that I wanted Scott to be able to help in research for other babies. There were reasons for the decisions I made. While it is sometimes hard to understand the decisions I made I need to remember the spirit that was with me and I was not making rash decisions. They were all good decisions.

Since coming home from the hospital I have felt an extreme pressure to make some changes in my life. I rarely watch television and when I do I am picky about what I watch. I am reading my scriptures and prying everyday. I feel such a responsibility to be perfect so I can return to be with Scott again. I know that Scott has a reserved place in the Celestial Kingdom and if I want to be with him again I need to do everything I can to keep myself worthy. I am so grateful for the scriptures and prayer and that through them I can have the Holy Ghost with me to give me peace and love. I am grateful for the temple and the opportunity to go there often. As I have done sealings since having Scott I have paid very close attention to the words spoken. One line that particularly touched me last time was that we have power to come forth in the morning of the first resurrection. What a blessing this is to me. I get to be in the first group. I do not have to keep waiting to be with Scott again. I get to be first!

I am so grateful for little Hayden. It was hard on him while I was in the hospital wondering where his mommy was. When I came home he started waking up during the night and it seems that he just needed the reassurance that I was there. I am so grateful for those nights because I struggled sleeping as well. I would go in his room and rock him and he would cuddle up to me and go back to sleep. I am so grateful that Heavenly Father has blessed me with Hayden. Amid all the tears smiles surely have to come when he is around. I love him so much.

Joe has been such a wonderful support to me at this difficult time. I know he has had a hard time as well but instead of focusing on his heartache he has been there for me. I have cried on his shoulder countless times. I am very blessed to have such a wonderful husband who is a worthy priesthood holder. I feel that our marriage is so much stronger and by going through this experience together we can overcome any of life’s trials.

There have been countless others who have been so supportive at this difficult time form family members, to friends, to ward members to complete strangers in the mall. The world is full of good people and I feel blessed to have them around me.

Although this experience has been very challenging and I really wish I could hold my sweet baby boy, I know that Heavenly Father has blessed me in countless ways during this difficult time. I am so grateful for all I have learned and pray that because of Sweet Scott I will continue to learn and grow and prepare myself for Exaltation.

Thursday, January 3, 2008

Letter From Daddy

January 3, 2008

Dear Scott,

It has been almost a week since you were born. This has given me plenty of time to think about what I want to say to you today.

Even though your mother and I decided not to find out your gender, I knew all along that you were a little boy. I might have told others that I thought you’d be a girl, but I knew in my heart that I was going to have another boy to raise into a future Priesthood holder. It is kind of strange how a parent can kind of instinctively know something about a child they’ve never met before.

When I came to the full realization that you might not make it past birth, I prayed for a very long time that a miracle might happen, that you might be born and survive and grow up with us. When this didn’t happen, I was devastated and I cried for a while in your mother’s lap just before she gave birth to you. I didn’t fully understand why a miracle couldn’t happen. It broke my heart that I would never get the chance to give you a father’s blessing. I would never be able to teach you how to play ball. I would never get the chance to take you to a football game. I would never see you grow up and gain a testimony and receive the Priesthood and serve a mission. Why wouldn’t the Lord allow this miracle to happen?

But miracles did happen, Scott. My testimony has grown immensely since that night in the hospital. I have felt of our Savior’s love. He atoned not only for our sins, but for our emotional pains and sorrows as well. He knows what we are going through, and He is there to comfort us. Is there any greater miracle than the Atonement? Through this supreme act of selfless love, our Savior also redeemed little children and made them perfect in Him. I wonder if perhaps you have met Christ and hugged him. If so, I would count you as the luckiest little boy I know.

I want you to know how very much I love you and miss you. I hope and pray that right now you are in the comforting arms of angels. I hope that you have met your ancestors, some of which you were named after. I hope that you will always be with us, watching over us and waiting for us in heaven. I pray with all my heart that I can live my life worthily enough to see you again, to hold you again. I hope to someday crawl around on the floor with you, to laugh with you, to tickle you, to throw you into the air and catch you, to go on campouts with you, to watch you snuggle your mom. The more that I think about what I am missing, the more I cling to my testimony and my faith that your day will come.

I will never forget that night when you were born. I don’t think that a day will ever pass that I won’t think of you at least once, and pray in my heart that I can be with you again. I love you so much and I can’t wait to see you.