Christmas Box Angel

This is our second year participating in the candlelight ceremony that Richard Paul Evans hosts at the angel statue in the Salt Lake city Cemetery. Thankfully, it wasn't nearly as cold this year as it was last year.

The program was beautiful. This darling seven-year-old read a poem about her little brother who was stillborn this fall. It was so touching to hear the words of a child.

Molds

One of the things I get to do with Share is make molds of babies hands and feet. I have gone to the hospital several times this fall. My dad and others have asked me how I can do this. It can be difficult because I feel so bad for the families that have just lost their baby. But it is so rewarding. I love to hold these beautiful angels. Scott's molds are so precious to me. I am grateful to be able to give the parents a keepsake of their baby.

Here are some pictures of the second set of molds I did all by myself. I get so nervous pouring the molds and then opening them up. I would hate for anything to happen to them. Ithink these turned out perfect!

Christmas Wreath

I bought a plain wreath this year to put at the cemetery for Scott. I asked my mom to help me decorate it. She told me I could pick some of the ornament Grandpa Anderson had made. Scott is named after my grandpa so I was really excited.

It is very simple but I absolutely love the way it turned out.

Angel Tree 2010

Last year we started a new tradition. Since Scott is not here on earth to spoil for Christmas we decide to help make Christmas a little better for someone else, in honor of Scott. We chose a name of the Salvation Army angel Tree at Macy's. I'm sure the people working there thought I was crazy. I looked at all the names on the tree and then had them look in there box of other names to help me find just the right one. The first Macy's didn't have what I wanted so I went to another Macy's. I need/want to give to a little boy the same age as Scott. Scott is 2 but will be 3 just a couple days after Christmas. So I tell the workers I need a 2 or 3 year old boy. By looking at the sizes of clothes and the toys they want I am able to roughly tell if the child is close to Scott's age (a year makes a big difference in children this young).

So after finding the right child I went a bought some clothes and toys for this little boy. I bought some shirts that Hayden and Parker have. I bought Candyland and cars because that it what we gave Hayden for Christmas when he was turning three.

I am glad we had the opportunity to help someone in need. It helps ease the pain of not having my precious Scott with me at Christmas time.

Christmas in Heaven

I see countless trees around the world below,
With tiny lights, like heaven's stars, reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away that tear,
For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
I hear the many Christmas songs
that people hold so dear,
But the sounds of music can't compare
with the Christmas choir up here.
I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring.
For it is beyond description, to hear the angels sing.
I know how much you miss me,
I see the pain inside your heart,
But I am not so far away. We really aren't apart.
So be happy for me dear ones. you know I hold you dear,
And be glad I'm spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year.
I send you each a special gift,
from my heavenly home above.
I send you each a memory of my undying love.
After all, love is a gift, more precious than pure gold.
It was always most important in the stories Jesus told.
Please love and keep each other, as my father said to do.
For I can't count the blessings
or love he has for each of you.
So, have a merry Christmas and wipe away that tear.
Remember, I'm spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year.

-Author unknown

Walk of Remembrance and Hope 2010

I am so grateful to Share for putting together the wonderful Walk of Remembrance and Hope each year. This year was different than in the past because I got to help organize it. I am loving being on the Share board and being more involved and helping other families heal.

We had a wonderful speaker. Her name is Carolyn Kasteller. She started a program call Angel Watch. This program help families who have learned that their unborn-child has a life-threatening or life-limiting condition.

Joe read the poem, "He Came as a Whisper, that his mom wrote the night Scott was born. It was nice to be able to share our special poem with other and have Joe be apart of the program.

I'm so grateful for my sweet niece, Riley. She talks about Scott a lot and has come with us to the walk the last two years. I love that she wants to be apart of it.

I am so blessed to have met wonderful women who have turned into wonderful friends. Heidi is Jocelyn's angel mommy and Jen is a photographer for NILMDTS.

This is the beautiful quote that was on the program:

“The mention of my child’s name may bring tears to my eyes, but it never fails to bring music to my ears. If you are really my friend, let me hear the beautiful music of his name. It soothes my broken heart and sings to my soul.”
-Author unknown

Share Parents of Utah

Last spring I got a letter from Share Parents of Utah asking me to submit an application to become a member on their board. I was delighted. I have really wanted to do something to help other angel mommies. I stared attending support meetings so see how they run and to get to know the families. This has truly been a blessing. I wish I had attended meeting right after Scott was born. I feel that if I had attended it would have helped me understand my pain and grief better. I have loved getting to know other moms. I have met some really incredible women.

I have been able to go to the hospital two times and help make hand and foot molds of precious angel babies. Hudson was the first baby I helped with. His mom carried him full term. It was emotional for me. He was the first angel baby I have seen since Scott was born. It was very special to be able to hold him. Yesterday I was able to help with Kayia's mold. Her mom was 26 weeks along. Kayia was almost the exact same size as Scott. She was an inch and a half longer and three ounces heavier. It was special to hold her and remember how it felt to have Scott in my arms.

I feel very luck to be a part of Share and to make such wonderful friends.

Do You Want a Fox?

Scotty,

I miss you so much. Today we were at Sam's Club and there was a giant stuffed fox. It was so soft and cuddly. I showed it to Hayden and he said we should buy it for you. I wanted so badly to buy the fox. What two and a half year old little boy wouldn't want such a big stuffed animal? I wish you were here so I could buy you special little presents.

I can't believe you would be 2 1/2. I find myself wondering what you would be like if you were here with me. I want to know all about you. What is your favorite color? What is your favorite book? What do you like to play? Hayden has lots of questions too. He wants to know if Heavenly Father gives you hugs when you cry. I want to believe that you don't cry. I want you to be happy. But maybe you get sad too. Maybe you miss me as much as I miss you.

Sometimes I find myself wanting to be in the same situation again so I can feel you close to me. So I can relive every bit of your life that was so incredibly short. I long to hold you and kiss you. I think of you everyday. I love to say your name.

I often wonder why I have never had the privilege of seeing you in my dreams or in the temple or something. I want to know what you do all day. I have so many questions to ask you. What is Heaven like? Do all the babies that die stay in some group with some very important work to do? Why does Heavenly Father need so many babies? Why couldn't you stay on Earth with me?

Please always know that Mommy loves you!

Hugs and kisses,
Mommy

Smiling

I had the news on this morning while I was getting ready for work and I saw someone I recognized but didn't know who it was. I stopped and watched the story to find out why seeing this man made me smile. It was Stan Watts, the man who made the bronze molds of Scott's hands and feet, he is finishing a statue of a WWII vet that will be unveiled in France this summer.

I am so grateful to him for giving me such a wonderful gift to remember my son.

Thinking of You

Thought of you with love today,
but that is nothing new.
I thought about you yesterday,
and days before that too.

I think of you in silence,
I often speak your name.
All I have are memories
I wish I had pictures in a frame.

Your memory is a keepsake,
with which I'll never part.
God has you in His keeping,
I have you in my heart.

I saw this on facebook tonight.

Music and Tears

I read this quote today and I LOVE it. It is exactly how I feel.

"The mention of my child's name may bring tears to my eyes, but it never fails to bring music to my ears. If you are really my friend, let me hear the beautiful music of his name. It soothes my broken heart and sings to my soul."
-author unknown

It's still Broken

After Scott was born I had a tangible pain in my chest, my heart hurt. The other night I was dreaming about Scott. Whenever I dream about him it is very unrestful sleep. I just toss and turn. When I woke up I had the very same pain I had right after he was born. The immense pain lasted for several days. No one knew, probably no one cared. But it hurt. It still hurts. I miss Scott so badly. I still can't understand why Heavenly Father took him away.