Walk of Remembrance and Hope 2010

I am so grateful to Share for putting together the wonderful Walk of Remembrance and Hope each year. This year was different than in the past because I got to help organize it. I am loving being on the Share board and being more involved and helping other families heal.

We had a wonderful speaker. Her name is Carolyn Kasteller. She started a program call Angel Watch. This program help families who have learned that their unborn-child has a life-threatening or life-limiting condition.

Joe read the poem, "He Came as a Whisper, that his mom wrote the night Scott was born. It was nice to be able to share our special poem with other and have Joe be apart of the program.

I'm so grateful for my sweet niece, Riley. She talks about Scott a lot and has come with us to the walk the last two years. I love that she wants to be apart of it.

I am so blessed to have met wonderful women who have turned into wonderful friends. Heidi is Jocelyn's angel mommy and Jen is a photographer for NILMDTS.

This is the beautiful quote that was on the program:

“The mention of my child’s name may bring tears to my eyes, but it never fails to bring music to my ears. If you are really my friend, let me hear the beautiful music of his name. It soothes my broken heart and sings to my soul.”
-Author unknown

Share Parents of Utah

Last spring I got a letter from Share Parents of Utah asking me to submit an application to become a member on their board. I was delighted. I have really wanted to do something to help other angel mommies. I stared attending support meetings so see how they run and to get to know the families. This has truly been a blessing. I wish I had attended meeting right after Scott was born. I feel that if I had attended it would have helped me understand my pain and grief better. I have loved getting to know other moms. I have met some really incredible women.

I have been able to go to the hospital two times and help make hand and foot molds of precious angel babies. Hudson was the first baby I helped with. His mom carried him full term. It was emotional for me. He was the first angel baby I have seen since Scott was born. It was very special to be able to hold him. Yesterday I was able to help with Kayia's mold. Her mom was 26 weeks along. Kayia was almost the exact same size as Scott. She was an inch and a half longer and three ounces heavier. It was special to hold her and remember how it felt to have Scott in my arms.

I feel very luck to be a part of Share and to make such wonderful friends.

Do You Want a Fox?

Scotty,

I miss you so much. Today we were at Sam's Club and there was a giant stuffed fox. It was so soft and cuddly. I showed it to Hayden and he said we should buy it for you. I wanted so badly to buy the fox. What two and a half year old little boy wouldn't want such a big stuffed animal? I wish you were here so I could buy you special little presents.

I can't believe you would be 2 1/2. I find myself wondering what you would be like if you were here with me. I want to know all about you. What is your favorite color? What is your favorite book? What do you like to play? Hayden has lots of questions too. He wants to know if Heavenly Father gives you hugs when you cry. I want to believe that you don't cry. I want you to be happy. But maybe you get sad too. Maybe you miss me as much as I miss you.

Sometimes I find myself wanting to be in the same situation again so I can feel you close to me. So I can relive every bit of your life that was so incredibly short. I long to hold you and kiss you. I think of you everyday. I love to say your name.

I often wonder why I have never had the privilege of seeing you in my dreams or in the temple or something. I want to know what you do all day. I have so many questions to ask you. What is Heaven like? Do all the babies that die stay in some group with some very important work to do? Why does Heavenly Father need so many babies? Why couldn't you stay on Earth with me?

Please always know that Mommy loves you!

Hugs and kisses,
Mommy

Smiling

I had the news on this morning while I was getting ready for work and I saw someone I recognized but didn't know who it was. I stopped and watched the story to find out why seeing this man made me smile. It was Stan Watts, the man who made the bronze molds of Scott's hands and feet, he is finishing a statue of a WWII vet that will be unveiled in France this summer.

I am so grateful to him for giving me such a wonderful gift to remember my son.

Thinking of You

Thought of you with love today,
but that is nothing new.
I thought about you yesterday,
and days before that too.

I think of you in silence,
I often speak your name.
All I have are memories
I wish I had pictures in a frame.

Your memory is a keepsake,
with which I'll never part.
God has you in His keeping,
I have you in my heart.

I saw this on facebook tonight.

Music and Tears

I read this quote today and I LOVE it. It is exactly how I feel.

"The mention of my child's name may bring tears to my eyes, but it never fails to bring music to my ears. If you are really my friend, let me hear the beautiful music of his name. It soothes my broken heart and sings to my soul."
-author unknown

It's still Broken

After Scott was born I had a tangible pain in my chest, my heart hurt. The other night I was dreaming about Scott. Whenever I dream about him it is very unrestful sleep. I just toss and turn. When I woke up I had the very same pain I had right after he was born. The immense pain lasted for several days. No one knew, probably no one cared. But it hurt. It still hurts. I miss Scott so badly. I still can't understand why Heavenly Father took him away.