Do You Want a Fox?

Scotty,

I miss you so much. Today we were at Sam's Club and there was a giant stuffed fox. It was so soft and cuddly. I showed it to Hayden and he said we should buy it for you. I wanted so badly to buy the fox. What two and a half year old little boy wouldn't want such a big stuffed animal? I wish you were here so I could buy you special little presents.

I can't believe you would be 2 1/2. I find myself wondering what you would be like if you were here with me. I want to know all about you. What is your favorite color? What is your favorite book? What do you like to play? Hayden has lots of questions too. He wants to know if Heavenly Father gives you hugs when you cry. I want to believe that you don't cry. I want you to be happy. But maybe you get sad too. Maybe you miss me as much as I miss you.

Sometimes I find myself wanting to be in the same situation again so I can feel you close to me. So I can relive every bit of your life that was so incredibly short. I long to hold you and kiss you. I think of you everyday. I love to say your name.

I often wonder why I have never had the privilege of seeing you in my dreams or in the temple or something. I want to know what you do all day. I have so many questions to ask you. What is Heaven like? Do all the babies that die stay in some group with some very important work to do? Why does Heavenly Father need so many babies? Why couldn't you stay on Earth with me?

Please always know that Mommy loves you!

Hugs and kisses,
Mommy

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remeberance Day

Today, October 15th, is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Most people don't know about this day or how important it is for those of us who have angel babies. Parents think about their children every single day. Parents who have angel babies think about their babies every single day too. In almost two years there has not been one day that I haven't thought about my precious angel Scott.

After Scott died I was so upset that I didn't have any pictures of him. Through lots of work I was to let go of some of that anger. Lately, I have really started to think about it again. I am not anger just very sad. As I have been watching Parker change so much in nine months I find myself wondering what Scott would have been like. I want to know what color his hair would be. Would he have long dark eyelashes like Parker? Would he have lots of cowlicks like Hayden or fuzzy hair that stands straight up like Parker? What would he like to eat? Or play with? Would he be like his brothers and be a mama's boy? The list goes on and on.

I wish I knew him! I miss him so much. I would give anything to have him here with me.

I'll never forget you, Scott!

Heaven and Earth

You know the song "Where is Heaven?" In the song it states that "It's right where you are." I think that Heaven is all around us. There are definitely times in my life where the veil seems thinner than others.

When I was baptized at the age of eight I remember feeling a little sad that my grandfather would not be able to baptize me. He died eight months before I was baptized. My favorite uncle, Uncle Leonard, was able to baptize me. As we stood in the baptismal font Uncle Leonard stumbled over the words to the prayer. I felt the presence of my grandpa so strongly. I know he was in the room with us and helped my uncle remember the words to the baptismal prayer.

This weekend I was talking to my mother-in-law and she shared some experiences that she, a niece and her mother have had after the death different family members. In church a few weeks ago an experience was shared about a women sitting in the temple and she heard the voice of the women whose temple work she was doing. In all of the experiences I have heard recently the big picture is that the veil can be very thin at times.

Yesterday, Hayden and I were driving to the store and Hayden saw a house and we had the following conversation.

"Is that Heavenly Father's house?"
"No, Heavenly Father lives in Heaven." "
"With Jesus and Scott?"
"Yes."
"Jesus carries Scott."
"Who told you that?"
"Hayden did. Hayden's a big boy."

Hayden told me again today that Jesus carries Scott. I am not saying that Hayden has ever seen Scott or anything because I have no idea but I do know that Hayden knows his brother Scott and loves him. I know that Scott is being taken care of by Jesus and as a mother that is a good thing to know.

Hope Collage

As I was reading blogs this week I found a friend who had a Hope Collage made by another mommy who has an angel baby. Franchesca's first baby Jenna died when she was just 13 days old. Franchesca started Abiding Hope Collages - A Lifetime of Words not Spoken. I am so grateful for her desire to help so many families with angel babies.

Footprints

Hayden walked outside and stepped in some water. He then stepped on the porch and saw his wet footprints. He bent down and touched them and said, "Look, Scott's feet." Scott's headstone has footprints on it. Hayden often holds the brass molds of Scott's feet. So, Hayden associates feet with Scott.

Did I Really Sign Up For This?

In church the speaker mentioned that his third child died of SIDS at five and a half months. He talked about how as he struggled through this he realized that he had signed up for this in the pre-existence. As I thought about this I kept thinking there is no way I signed up for letting Scott die. I have thought about this many times this week.

My friend was over the other night and we were discussing this. When I told her I "didn't sign up for it" she said you never know. As the discussion progressed she helped me put it in different words. I signed up to give him back to Heavenly Father. Maybe I didn't know this meant I would give him back before I really got him. But I did agree to give him back. I want to give all of my children back to my Heavenly Father. Hopefully I can be a good enough mom and teach my children here on earth how to get back to Heavenly Father. As for now I know I have one perfect little angel ho is in the presence of God everyday. I guess it truly is a blessing.

Memorial Day 2009

This is my second Memorial Day without Scott but only my first to have a place to go visit him. I can never say enough how wonderful it is that we were finally able to bury Baby Scott and I have a place to go.

I had a rough morning. I wish everyone loved Scott the way I do. I have to remember that no one knows Scott like I do. I held him for more than five months. Joe and my mom held him for less than five minutes. No one else has ever held him. Maybe that is why others don't seem to remember him. It is hard to remember someone you never knew. But I knew him. I will never forget him. When Scott died he took a piece of my heart with him. I will never be the person I was before.

I went to the cemetery by myself in the morning. I enjoyed having a few quiet moments alone. To my surprise someone had been there. There were some silk roses. I have no idea who had been there but it means so much to me.

When the boys and I went a little later the cemetery was packed. We got there right before they started the flag raising ceremony. The cemetery looked beautiful covered with all the flowers.

I Miss You

Scott,

I miss you so much! The last few days I have been so sad. I just want to give you a hug and a kiss and hold you. I know Heavenly Father needed you at this time but I want you here with me. I pray for you everyday. I pray that you are working hard for our Father in Heaven. I pray that you will know of my love for you. I pray that you won't get too busy and forget about me.

Today I read about twins that were born alive at 22 weeks. They lived for over an hour. I know this sounds wrong but when I read stories like this I get very jealous. Why was this mom granted one hour and I wasn't given even one minute?

I know that there are people that don't think I am very good mom. I know I have many faults and weaknesses but I can promise you this, I love you and my other children more than anyone else in the world ever could. It would do anything for you.

Please help me find the comfort I need. Please help me be the best I can be so we can be together gain one day. But most of all, please know that I love you so much.

Love,
Mommy

Easter

I love spring. I love to see flowers poke up out of the ground. I love to see trees with blossoms on them. I love all the new life.

I am thankful for a springtime holiday the represents new life. I am grateful for the atonement of our Savior Jesus Christ and that through him we will all be resurrected. Often times when we think about Easter we think of Easter egg hunts, candy and the Easter Bunny. This year I really looked forward to Easter and enjoyed thinking about the resurrection. I am blessed to know that Scott will be resurrected and we will be together again.

Scott's Tree

My cute boys by Scott's tree on Easter morning.

We took Easter lilies to the cemetery after church.

The other day we were on our way to Saratoga Springs. While driving down Redwood Road Hayden looked out his window and saw the Bluffdale Cemetery (Scott is buried in the Riverton City Cemetery). He immediately started saying, "I love you, Scott. I miss you." When this happened I was quickly brought to tears. They were both tears of joy and deep sadness. I love that Hayden thinks about his brother and remembers what we tell him. However, as happy as I was at that moment I was also extremely sad. I am very sad that Hayden doesn't really know/understand who his little brother is. He sees a cemetery and associates that with Scott. He calls the molds of Scott's face, hands and feet Scott and frequently asks to hold "Scott." I wish he had been able to see his brother. I look forward to Hayden getting a little older so he can have more of an understanding of who Scott really is. As for now, it makes me so happy that he talks about Scott often and is starting to understand that he has to little brothers.

Spring

Last Friday, I walked outside to throw the garbage away and something caught my eye. Remember last spring when I posted about the Magnolia tree we bought in rememberance of Scott? Well, I am happy to report that it has buds all over it. It seriously brought a smile to my face. I cannot wait for it to be in full bloom.

He Lives

Last weekend we went to some friends' house for dinner. When we got there Crystal gave me this beautiful picture. She told me her father had made this for someone in their family that had a baby die. She pointed out that the baby is holding on to Christ's shirt signifying that the baby is alive.

I know that Scott is alive. I know that he is with Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father. I know that I will be with him again.

I am so grateful to friends and family who think about me and remember my baby boy. At church on Sunday I was telling a friend of mine, that has also had a baby die, about the picture and I told her I would get her a copy of it. We talked about how good it feels when others remember our children. She said that the longer it gets the less people remember. That made me sad.

White Scott

Hayden loves to hold the molds of Scott's feet. I am grateful that we got them bronzed so that he can hold them. The other day he climbed on the couch and asked to hold Scott. I said OK and got down the feet and handed them to him. He said, "No Mommy, the white Scott." Meaning the mold of Scott's face. I told him he couldn't hold that one because it could break.

I thought it was so cute. He has now referred to the "White Scott" multiple times.

Three Boys

The last couple of weeks I have been a little sad that it is not obvious to the world that I have three boys not just two. When we were at the car dealership we had Hayden and Parker with us. While we were waiting for paper work we were chatting with the salesman. Many times I wanted to blurt out that I had another baby as well. When people ask me how many kids I have I have no problem saying three. I love to let people know about Scott. But it is the times when people don't ask that bothers me. It wasn't relevant to our conversation or anything. It would have been out of place for me to say I had a baby that died. I felt like I kept waiting for a chance to mention Scott and it never came.

The next week I was at Costco and an older gentleman commented on my two cute boys. Again, I wanted to blurt out that I had another cute boy.

A few weeks ago we were doing sealings at the temple. Our sealer asked how many children were at home. I could not just answer his question. I said I have two boys at home and one in heaven.

I know this may seem strange to many people. Scott is always in my thoughts and I wish the whole world could know him the way I do.

I Love to See the Temple

I am so grateful to live so close to so many temples. From my office window I can see the Jordan River Temple. While I am on my treadmill in the morning I always enjoy looking at the beautiful temple all lit up.

From the road right by my house I can see three temples all at once, Jordan River, Oquirrh Mountain, and Draper. Not many people can say that. I feel so blessed.

It has been fun watching the construction of the Oquirrh Mountain temple. We pass it many times a week. Hayden always says, "there's a temple over there." and points to the temple. He always asks us to sing "The Temple Cool Song."

Last weekend we were able to attend the Draper temple open house. It was so nice to be able to take my boys to the temple with me. I am so grateful for the blessings of the temple. If I did not have the knowledge of eternal families I would never be able to handle the death of my precious baby Scott. When we sat in the sealing room at the draper Temple they spoke of losing loved ones and the opportunity we have to return to live with them again. I felt the spirit very strongly in that moment. I feel so close to Scott whenever I am in the temple.

I promise to live my life in a way that I can be with Scott and the rest of my family forever.

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday Scott!

Hayden and Joe wearing their matching shirts that say

"We Have Footprints on Our Heart"

I can't believe a year has gone by already. A year ago I would have never imagined celebrating my child's fist birthday without him. I know things are they way they are supposed to be but oh how I wish things were different. I has been a very hard year without him. I miss him so much. I love him more than anyone could ever imagine. I wish Scott were here with us each and everyday.

We have had a good day today taking extra time to remember Scott. I felt like I really needed to go to church today. So yes, I took my 9 day old baby to Sacrament meeting. After lots of pondering we decided that for Scott's birthday we would by a few copies of some books we read after Scott died and take them to the hospital to be given to people when they lose a baby. We bought "Gone Too Soon" and "We Were Gonna Have a Baby But We Had an Angel Instead." We took the books along with some cards to the hospital right after church. It was hard for me to try and explain why we were there, but I did OK.


This afternoon/evening we invited our families to go visit Scott's grave with us. We took some pretty white and yellow carnations. After the cemetery we came back to our house for some birthday cake. I made an angel food cake for my sweet little angel's birthday.

We went to the cemetery early for Joe to make us a path to the headstone.

I am so grateful for the support of family and friends. I am so grateful for Joe and his patience with me this past year. I know it isn't easy for him to see me so sad and crying because I miss Scott. He always just holds me and tells me he loves me.

Mixed Emotions

I was so excited to come to the hospital today knowing I was going to give birth to my baby boy but I was also very nervous as I remembered the pain of having a c-section, epidural, IV, catheter, etc. As I entered the labor and delivery unit the desk nurse was with someone and asked me to have a seat and wait for a moment. As soon as I sat down I noticed a box on the counter. I knew immediately what it contained. It is the box that contains the hand and feet molds of a baby who died. I was overcome with sadness not only thinking about my Scott but for the mother and father of that baby, knowing the grief they are dealing with.

The labor room I was taken to was the room right next to the one were I gave birth to Scott. I was so afraid the nurse was taking me to the same room but turned one door sooner. I was grateful it wasn't the same room (I would have asked for a different room). Joe could tell something was wrong and asked me what I was thinking about. I said I didn't want to talk about it but he knew I was thinking about Scott and I couldn't help the tears from falling.

While I was in the operating room Joe sat right next to me and held my hand. When the baby was born I heard him cry a sweet little cry. The tears started flowing immediately. Al I could say to myself is "he's alive, he's alive." I was so grateful for the sounds of a crying baby. I remember while I labored with Scott hoping and praying the doctors and nurses would be wrong and that he would be born alive. I waited to hear the sounds of a crying baby but he was born still and silent.

Oh how I miss my little Scott. I love Parker so much. I love him for who he is but it will never take away from the love I have for Scott and will never replace him. I am so grateful to Heavenly Father for each one of my precious baby boys. I am grateful to have Hayden and Parker here on Earth with me. I am equally grateful to have Scott as my angel baby and I look forward to the day when I will be reunited with him. I keep finding myself wishing Parker could talk and tell me about his brother Scott.

I am so grateful that Heavenly Father has allowed me to be a mother. Words cannot express the love I feel as I hold my sweet children.

An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination

A while ago I read about this book An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination: A Memoir by Elizabeth McCraken on The Book Nest. It is about a woman whose first child was stillborn.

There were many parts of the book that stated my feeling so well. Here are some quotes from the book that echo my feelings.

...a person who is dead is a long, long story. You may move on from it, but the death will never disappear from view. Your friends might say, Time heals all wounds. No, it doesn't, but eventually you'll feel better. You'll be yourself again. Your child will still be dead.

I would have done the whole thing over again even knowing how it would end.

I had just stepped over the border from happy pregnancy to grief.

He was a person. I missed him like a person. Seeing babies on streets did not stab me with pain the way I know they stab some grieving women, those who have lost children or simply desperately want to have them. For me, other babies were other babies. They weren't who I was missing.

Before Pudding (Scott) died, I'd thought condolence notes were simply small bits of old-fashioned etiquette, important but universally acknowledged as inadequate gestures. Now they felt like oxygen, and only now do I fully understand why: to know that other people were sad made Pudding (Scott) more real.

My grief was still fresh, grief last longer than sympathy.

I didn't know the woman, but I loved her. I'd felt the same thing meeting another couple on campus, a professor and his wife who'd written me when Pudding died to send condolences and to say that they'd had a daughter who was stillborn nearly thirty years before. All I can say is, it's sort of a kinship, as though there is a family tree of grief.

Twice now I've heard the story of someone who knows someones who's had a stillborn since Pudding has died, and it's all I can do not to book a flight immediately, to show up somewhere I'm not wanted, just so I can say, It happened to me, too, because it meant so much to me to hear it. It happened to me, too, meant: It's not your fault. And You are not a freak of nature. And This doesn't have to be a secret.

That's how it works. When a baby dies, other dead children become suddenly visible.

If you are a mother of a dead child yourself-they will keep coming to you.

I did know him, not with my brain but with my body.

We'd known all along I'd be induce, and I'd said that I wanted to avoid the end of April, particularly April 27, not for my sake but for the kid's; it seemed like a too weighty fact to have in your biography, being born a year to the day after your brother who didn't survive.

Edward (Joseph) had shouldered a great deal in the past few days, he had pushed his enormous pain aside to tend to me.

I find myself thankful for small things.

...she wanted permission to remember her child with pleasure instead of grief. To remember that he was dead, but to remember him without pain: he's dead of course but she still loves him, and that love isn't morbid or bloodstained or unsightly, it doesn't need to be shoved away.

Hopefully you are able to piece these quotes from the book together and make sense of what I read/felt.

Conversation with Callie

A few weeks ago my niece Callie (4 years old)was in town. The two of us were in my car and I asked her what I should name the new baby. She likes Spencer best. We then had the following conversation.

Callie- How come Scott had to die?
Me- Heavenly Father needed him to be a missionary in Heaven.
Callie- Scott's a missionary?
Me- Yep.
Callie- But I never even got to see him.

Riley often tells me she misses Scott and that she wishes he didn't die. I am so grateful that my family has talked to their children about Scott. It makes me happy whenever the little ones talk about their cousin.

National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

I love my baby boy so much and miss having him with me each day. I think about him daily and wish I could give him a kiss. I think what he would be like as he grows each day. I think of watching Hayden interact with him. I am grateful for the knowledge of eternal families and that I know we will be together again.

This is the poem that was on the program for Scott's funeral.

I'm going to tell you something
I hope you'll never have to know.
I'll tell you how a heart can break
And tears can constant flow.
I lost my baby boy you see,
An angel in my eyes
God chose to take his hand one day
And led him to the skies.
But please do not forget my child
He was a person too
And forever he will live
Inside of me and you.
So, please don't ever tell me
That time will heal my pain
Because not even time
Can bring him back again.
Just tell me he is happy
In that land way up above
He's snuggled in an angels wings
All wrapped in Mommy's love.

Author Unknown