Heaven and Earth

You know the song "Where is Heaven?" In the song it states that "It's right where you are." I think that Heaven is all around us. There are definitely times in my life where the veil seems thinner than others.

When I was baptized at the age of eight I remember feeling a little sad that my grandfather would not be able to baptize me. He died eight months before I was baptized. My favorite uncle, Uncle Leonard, was able to baptize me. As we stood in the baptismal font Uncle Leonard stumbled over the words to the prayer. I felt the presence of my grandpa so strongly. I know he was in the room with us and helped my uncle remember the words to the baptismal prayer.

This weekend I was talking to my mother-in-law and she shared some experiences that she, a niece and her mother have had after the death different family members. In church a few weeks ago an experience was shared about a women sitting in the temple and she heard the voice of the women whose temple work she was doing. In all of the experiences I have heard recently the big picture is that the veil can be very thin at times.

Yesterday, Hayden and I were driving to the store and Hayden saw a house and we had the following conversation.

"Is that Heavenly Father's house?"
"No, Heavenly Father lives in Heaven." "
"With Jesus and Scott?"
"Yes."
"Jesus carries Scott."
"Who told you that?"
"Hayden did. Hayden's a big boy."

Hayden told me again today that Jesus carries Scott. I am not saying that Hayden has ever seen Scott or anything because I have no idea but I do know that Hayden knows his brother Scott and loves him. I know that Scott is being taken care of by Jesus and as a mother that is a good thing to know.

Hope Collage

As I was reading blogs this week I found a friend who had a Hope Collage made by another mommy who has an angel baby. Franchesca's first baby Jenna died when she was just 13 days old. Franchesca started Abiding Hope Collages - A Lifetime of Words not Spoken. I am so grateful for her desire to help so many families with angel babies.

Footprints

Hayden walked outside and stepped in some water. He then stepped on the porch and saw his wet footprints. He bent down and touched them and said, "Look, Scott's feet." Scott's headstone has footprints on it. Hayden often holds the brass molds of Scott's feet. So, Hayden associates feet with Scott.

Did I Really Sign Up For This?

In church the speaker mentioned that his third child died of SIDS at five and a half months. He talked about how as he struggled through this he realized that he had signed up for this in the pre-existence. As I thought about this I kept thinking there is no way I signed up for letting Scott die. I have thought about this many times this week.

My friend was over the other night and we were discussing this. When I told her I "didn't sign up for it" she said you never know. As the discussion progressed she helped me put it in different words. I signed up to give him back to Heavenly Father. Maybe I didn't know this meant I would give him back before I really got him. But I did agree to give him back. I want to give all of my children back to my Heavenly Father. Hopefully I can be a good enough mom and teach my children here on earth how to get back to Heavenly Father. As for now I know I have one perfect little angel ho is in the presence of God everyday. I guess it truly is a blessing.

Memorial Day 2009

This is my second Memorial Day without Scott but only my first to have a place to go visit him. I can never say enough how wonderful it is that we were finally able to bury Baby Scott and I have a place to go.

I had a rough morning. I wish everyone loved Scott the way I do. I have to remember that no one knows Scott like I do. I held him for more than five months. Joe and my mom held him for less than five minutes. No one else has ever held him. Maybe that is why others don't seem to remember him. It is hard to remember someone you never knew. But I knew him. I will never forget him. When Scott died he took a piece of my heart with him. I will never be the person I was before.

I went to the cemetery by myself in the morning. I enjoyed having a few quiet moments alone. To my surprise someone had been there. There were some silk roses. I have no idea who had been there but it means so much to me.

When the boys and I went a little later the cemetery was packed. We got there right before they started the flag raising ceremony. The cemetery looked beautiful covered with all the flowers.

I Miss You

Scott,

I miss you so much! The last few days I have been so sad. I just want to give you a hug and a kiss and hold you. I know Heavenly Father needed you at this time but I want you here with me. I pray for you everyday. I pray that you are working hard for our Father in Heaven. I pray that you will know of my love for you. I pray that you won't get too busy and forget about me.

Today I read about twins that were born alive at 22 weeks. They lived for over an hour. I know this sounds wrong but when I read stories like this I get very jealous. Why was this mom granted one hour and I wasn't given even one minute?

I know that there are people that don't think I am very good mom. I know I have many faults and weaknesses but I can promise you this, I love you and my other children more than anyone else in the world ever could. It would do anything for you.

Please help me find the comfort I need. Please help me be the best I can be so we can be together gain one day. But most of all, please know that I love you so much.

Love,
Mommy

Mother's Day

Last year Mother's Day was very hard for me. It was my first Mother's Day without Scott. I had gone to the cemetery, where my great grandmother is buried, with my mom. I saw so many headstones of babies. I felt horrible that all these babies had been buried and had a place but mine did not. I missed Scott so much and I could barely keep a handle on my emotions.

This year was so much better. I thought about Scott all day. I planned on visiting the cemetery in the afternoon. When we left to go to my mom's I put flowers in the car to take to her and Hayden started saying, "Flowers for Scott. Flowers for Scott." I told him we would go see Scott but the flowers ere for Grandma. We gave the flowers to my mom but cut a whole bunch of lilacs and took them to the cemetery.

Joe and Hayden walked across the cemetery to throw old flowers away. I was glad to have a few minutes to sit by myself next to Scott's headstone. As simple as it my seem to some finally being able to bury Scott and have someplace to go has helped me tremendously.

I am so thankful that Heavenly Father blessed my life with Scott. Although I don't get to hold him everyday here on Earth as I would like to, he is still part of my daily life. I love him so much. I look forward to the day when I can hold him in my arms again.