Mother's Day

Last year Mother's Day was very hard for me. It was my first Mother's Day without Scott. I had gone to the cemetery, where my great grandmother is buried, with my mom. I saw so many headstones of babies. I felt horrible that all these babies had been buried and had a place but mine did not. I missed Scott so much and I could barely keep a handle on my emotions.

This year was so much better. I thought about Scott all day. I planned on visiting the cemetery in the afternoon. When we left to go to my mom's I put flowers in the car to take to her and Hayden started saying, "Flowers for Scott. Flowers for Scott." I told him we would go see Scott but the flowers ere for Grandma. We gave the flowers to my mom but cut a whole bunch of lilacs and took them to the cemetery.

Joe and Hayden walked across the cemetery to throw old flowers away. I was glad to have a few minutes to sit by myself next to Scott's headstone. As simple as it my seem to some finally being able to bury Scott and have someplace to go has helped me tremendously.

I am so thankful that Heavenly Father blessed my life with Scott. Although I don't get to hold him everyday here on Earth as I would like to, he is still part of my daily life. I love him so much. I look forward to the day when I can hold him in my arms again.

Easter

I love spring. I love to see flowers poke up out of the ground. I love to see trees with blossoms on them. I love all the new life.

I am thankful for a springtime holiday the represents new life. I am grateful for the atonement of our Savior Jesus Christ and that through him we will all be resurrected. Often times when we think about Easter we think of Easter egg hunts, candy and the Easter Bunny. This year I really looked forward to Easter and enjoyed thinking about the resurrection. I am blessed to know that Scott will be resurrected and we will be together again.

Scott's Tree

My cute boys by Scott's tree on Easter morning.

We took Easter lilies to the cemetery after church.

The other day we were on our way to Saratoga Springs. While driving down Redwood Road Hayden looked out his window and saw the Bluffdale Cemetery (Scott is buried in the Riverton City Cemetery). He immediately started saying, "I love you, Scott. I miss you." When this happened I was quickly brought to tears. They were both tears of joy and deep sadness. I love that Hayden thinks about his brother and remembers what we tell him. However, as happy as I was at that moment I was also extremely sad. I am very sad that Hayden doesn't really know/understand who his little brother is. He sees a cemetery and associates that with Scott. He calls the molds of Scott's face, hands and feet Scott and frequently asks to hold "Scott." I wish he had been able to see his brother. I look forward to Hayden getting a little older so he can have more of an understanding of who Scott really is. As for now, it makes me so happy that he talks about Scott often and is starting to understand that he has to little brothers.

Spring

Last Friday, I walked outside to throw the garbage away and something caught my eye. Remember last spring when I posted about the Magnolia tree we bought in rememberance of Scott? Well, I am happy to report that it has buds all over it. It seriously brought a smile to my face. I cannot wait for it to be in full bloom.

He Lives

Last weekend we went to some friends' house for dinner. When we got there Crystal gave me this beautiful picture. She told me her father had made this for someone in their family that had a baby die. She pointed out that the baby is holding on to Christ's shirt signifying that the baby is alive.

I know that Scott is alive. I know that he is with Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father. I know that I will be with him again.

I am so grateful to friends and family who think about me and remember my baby boy. At church on Sunday I was telling a friend of mine, that has also had a baby die, about the picture and I told her I would get her a copy of it. We talked about how good it feels when others remember our children. She said that the longer it gets the less people remember. That made me sad.

White Scott

Hayden loves to hold the molds of Scott's feet. I am grateful that we got them bronzed so that he can hold them. The other day he climbed on the couch and asked to hold Scott. I said OK and got down the feet and handed them to him. He said, "No Mommy, the white Scott." Meaning the mold of Scott's face. I told him he couldn't hold that one because it could break.

I thought it was so cute. He has now referred to the "White Scott" multiple times.

Three Boys

The last couple of weeks I have been a little sad that it is not obvious to the world that I have three boys not just two. When we were at the car dealership we had Hayden and Parker with us. While we were waiting for paper work we were chatting with the salesman. Many times I wanted to blurt out that I had another baby as well. When people ask me how many kids I have I have no problem saying three. I love to let people know about Scott. But it is the times when people don't ask that bothers me. It wasn't relevant to our conversation or anything. It would have been out of place for me to say I had a baby that died. I felt like I kept waiting for a chance to mention Scott and it never came.

The next week I was at Costco and an older gentleman commented on my two cute boys. Again, I wanted to blurt out that I had another cute boy.

A few weeks ago we were doing sealings at the temple. Our sealer asked how many children were at home. I could not just answer his question. I said I have two boys at home and one in heaven.

I know this may seem strange to many people. Scott is always in my thoughts and I wish the whole world could know him the way I do.