He Came As A Whisper

When Scott was born we were blessed to have Grandma and Papa Anderson, Grandma and Grandpa Young, Rebecca, Rachael, Allen, Ashlie, and Jill at the hospital. Many times I have felt like it was important to any one but me.

In November this year Chris, Joe's mom, was showing me some cute stories she had written. She then asked me if she had ever shown me what she wrote the night Scott was born. I had no idea she had ever written about Scott. I read the poem she wrote and started to cry. It is so beautiful. Along with the tears being shed about my sweet son I was crying because I finally knew how special that night was to her as well. My love for my mother-in-law grew so much more.

Here is the most beautiful poem I have ever read.

He Came As A Whisper

by Christine Young

"He came as a whisper, soft, sweet, innocent. He fell upon us silently, invading our heartstrings, pulling and tugging. He drank in our tears and listened to them silently fall. Silent echos of love filled that small room in those precious few minutes.

He came softly, without cries or tremors of fear. Life brushed across his tiny existence and kissed him gently good-bye. We cry out for time to cease that we can memorize his little face, the gentle slope of his nose, the hairs of his head, the curves of his ears. We gaze in awe at his perfect feet and fingers and toes, all complete but still.

Our hello was more brief than our good-byes. What wondrous soul did we meet in such a brief encounter this cold December night? When we meet again will we recognize each other? Will tears bathe our faces once more in joyous reunion? Good-bye for now, our little one. You will be missed but never forgotten. You have carved a place in our hearts, forever dear, forever our little Scott Leland Young. --December 28, 2007."

Richard Paul Evans » Angel Statues

I hope to see you at the ceremony this Sunday!

Richard Paul Evans » Angel Statues:

"The Christmas Box Angel Statue was introduced to the world in the book The Christmas Box, a worldwide bestseller and hit television movie by author Richard Paul Evans. In the book, a woman mourns the loss of her child at the base of an angel monument. Though the story is mostly fiction, the angel monument once existed but is speculated to have been destroyed. The new angel statue was commissioned by Richard Paul Evans, in response to reports that grieving parents were seeking out the angel as a place to grieve and heal. The monument was dedicated on December 6, 1994-corresponding with the date of the child’s death in The Christmas Box

(Coincidentally, Dec. 6th is celebrated in many parts of the world as Children’s Day). At the request of Sexton Paul Byron and Salt Lake City Mayor Deedee Corradini, Salt Lake City donated the land on which the monument stands. The sculpture is the creation of a father and son from Salt Lake City, Utah, Ortho and Jared Fairbanks, and modeled according to the description in Evans’ book. The face of the angel is that of Evans’ second daughter, Allyson-Danica. If you look closely you can find on the angel’s right wing (west) the word “hope.”

Flowers, sent from around the world, adorn the base of the monument year round, accompanying notes left by parents for their “little angels.” On December 6th of each year (7 p.m. MST) a candlelight healing ceremony is held at the base of the Christmas Box Angel monument. After a few remarks, a moment of silence, and the lullaby of a children’s choir, the attendees are invited to leave a white flower at the base of the angel statue. The public is welcome. For a map to the Salt Lake City statue, click here: Angel Statue Map."

Walk of Remembrance and Hope

This year was the 14th annual Walk of Remembrance and Hope sponsored by Share. I was such a beautiful day at the cemetery. My niece Riley asked if she could come with us and if I would get a shirt for her too. I was more than willing to have her come and to buy her a shirt. She is such a sweet heart. She frequently gives me hugs and tells me she misses Scott. I am glad she was able to come with us.

The program was very nice. Pamela Hansen, the author of Running with Angels and Finding the Angel Within, was the speaker. She has two angel babies. She said that she host a Running With Angels 5K every spring at Thanksgiving Point. I am looking forward to participating in that event.

After the program we took a short walk around the cemetery and then got a balloon and wrote Scott's name on it for the balloon launch ceremony.









We had a moment of silence to remember our baby and then they began reading the names. It is so touching to hear the names of all the angel babies. It makes me so sad when I hear names of families that have lost multiple children.







As they read Scott's name we released Scott's balloon. We talked to Hayden for a couple of days prior to the event about what we were going to do so that he would be okay letting the balloon go. We told him we were going to let the balloon go so it could go to Heaven so Scott could have a balloon. In the morning before the walk he started telling me he had to hold the balloon tight because he would be sad if it blew away. Once again i told him we wanted to let the balloon go to Heaven and he was okay with that.


The two balloons in the middle were for Scott. Riley and Hayden each had one for him.

It is neat to see so many balloons in the sky but it is sad realizing how many babies die.

Note From a Friend

My great weekend of remembering Scott continued today. As I was checking Facebook I saw that I received an email from one of my dear friends I grew up with.

Okay now I am bawling-- so bear with me. I just got on your blog about little Scott. I am so touched by your sweet spirit. I am extremely sorry you have had to deal with this and will continue. Its almost bad to say but I am jealous to know that you have a perfect little boy waiting for you and watching over you and your family-- your own little guardian angel. Know that he is waiting for you. I am not sure if you know, but I had problems when Brinley was born. I was so scared I was going to lose her. I let fear take over me. The moment in the hospital when I allowed my Heavenly Father to take me in his arms I felt the peace that whatever the outcome life will go on. (as hard as it is sometimes) I am lucky enough to have her in my life. I know Heavenly Father doesn't take US in the equation when the little ones are born. Its all part of His great plan. Know that Heavenly Father had something great and special for him because he wouldn't intentionally do this to another one of his children. Remember all the time he loves you. Find peace with him and only him. You will be strong-- and on those days you are not, Let it out. Don't worry about if other have forgotten about Scott. Only you will know the love you have for him. That is all that matters-- a mothers love!! Thinking about you. Have a great day :0)

I hope I haven't said anything to upset you-- just want you to know a friend is thinking of you!

Upset me? Now way! You made my day. Thanks for thinking of me and my baby.

God's Gift

This is another poem that Jennifer sent me. it was written by her aunt.

Gods Gift

I was searching for answers on this gloomy day
So I fell t o my knees and I started to pray
Dear God, you have taken so much from me
I’m alone in the darkness and I cannot see
Why did you give me a child to love?
And then take him back to our home up above?

My child, He said, you don’t understand
I have all things in the palm of my hand
I have a plan, one made just for you
So you can come home when this life is through

It is not I who takes, I always give
Blessings that teach; you must learn as you live
Sometimes these blessings will be masked in strife
But stay close to me and I’ll guide you through life
Just know for today you’re my child to love
And I want you back in our home up above
Now when that time comes, there will be such joy
To be there to greet you will be your little boy

Thank you dear God, I said as I cried
Now I understand why my child died
As I continued to pray and day turned to night
Where once there was darkness, now there was light
He hadn’t taken and now I could see
He had given the gift of an angel to me

Michelle Kelle May 2000

Mention My Child

While at the Walk of Remembrance and Hope I started to get teary eyed as they read Scott's name. Before I left the walk I went to talk to the people who work for share. I started to tell them thanks for their hard work and then I stared cry and told them how wonderful it was to hear someone besides myself say Scott's name.

While talking to Jennifer at the in the evening I told her about that. She told me she would send me a poem. This is the beautiful poem.

Go ahead and mention my child,
The one that died, you know.
Don't worry about hurting me further.
The depth of my pain doesn't show.
Don't worry about making me cry.
I'm already crying inside.
Help me to heal by releasing
The tears that I try to hide.
I'm hurt when you just keep silent,
Pretending he didn't exist.
I'd rather you mention my child,
Knowing that he has been missed.
You asked me how I was doing.
I say "pretty good" or "fine".
But healing is something ongoing
I feel it will take a lifetime.

~ Elizabeth Dent ~
(I changed she to he)

New Friend

I had a very good weekend. On Saturday we were able to go to the Share Walk of Remembrance and Hope. (I will post about that in a few minutes). After the walk on Saturday we went to Farnsworth Farms for their Halloween activities. While we were standing in line for the hay ride a girl (Jennifer) behind me in line asked if we were at the walk that morning. I realized Joe was wearing his shirt. I told her that we were there and asked if she too had an angel baby. She told me she does not have an angel baby but she works for Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep as a photographer.

I told her about Scott and and she told me how she became involved with NILMDTS. We talked while we were in line, on the hay ride, after the hay ride, a little bit later, etc (I could have talked to her all night). She told me she would look me up on Facebook as soon as she got home. When I got home there was a friend request from her. After I accepted the request I saw that we had a mutual friend, Sarah. I met Sarah after Scott died and her baby Savannah died. She was so sweet and took pictures for me at Scott's funeral. Sarah and Jennifer grew up together. Looking and Jennifer's profile I saw that she graduated from Copper Hills High School a year after I did. We really live in such a small world.

I am so grateful that Heavenly Father let our paths cross. I look forward to getting to know Jennifer better and participating in activities they do for NILMDTS.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remeberance Day

Today, October 15th, is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Most people don't know about this day or how important it is for those of us who have angel babies. Parents think about their children every single day. Parents who have angel babies think about their babies every single day too. In almost two years there has not been one day that I haven't thought about my precious angel Scott.

After Scott died I was so upset that I didn't have any pictures of him. Through lots of work I was to let go of some of that anger. Lately, I have really started to think about it again. I am not anger just very sad. As I have been watching Parker change so much in nine months I find myself wondering what Scott would have been like. I want to know what color his hair would be. Would he have long dark eyelashes like Parker? Would he have lots of cowlicks like Hayden or fuzzy hair that stands straight up like Parker? What would he like to eat? Or play with? Would he be like his brothers and be a mama's boy? The list goes on and on.

I wish I knew him! I miss him so much. I would give anything to have him here with me.

I'll never forget you, Scott!

Heaven and Earth

You know the song "Where is Heaven?" In the song it states that "It's right where you are." I think that Heaven is all around us. There are definitely times in my life where the veil seems thinner than others.

When I was baptized at the age of eight I remember feeling a little sad that my grandfather would not be able to baptize me. He died eight months before I was baptized. My favorite uncle, Uncle Leonard, was able to baptize me. As we stood in the baptismal font Uncle Leonard stumbled over the words to the prayer. I felt the presence of my grandpa so strongly. I know he was in the room with us and helped my uncle remember the words to the baptismal prayer.

This weekend I was talking to my mother-in-law and she shared some experiences that she, a niece and her mother have had after the death different family members. In church a few weeks ago an experience was shared about a women sitting in the temple and she heard the voice of the women whose temple work she was doing. In all of the experiences I have heard recently the big picture is that the veil can be very thin at times.

Yesterday, Hayden and I were driving to the store and Hayden saw a house and we had the following conversation.

"Is that Heavenly Father's house?"
"No, Heavenly Father lives in Heaven." "
"With Jesus and Scott?"
"Yes."
"Jesus carries Scott."
"Who told you that?"
"Hayden did. Hayden's a big boy."

Hayden told me again today that Jesus carries Scott. I am not saying that Hayden has ever seen Scott or anything because I have no idea but I do know that Hayden knows his brother Scott and loves him. I know that Scott is being taken care of by Jesus and as a mother that is a good thing to know.

Hope Collage

As I was reading blogs this week I found a friend who had a Hope Collage made by another mommy who has an angel baby. Franchesca's first baby Jenna died when she was just 13 days old. Franchesca started Abiding Hope Collages - A Lifetime of Words not Spoken. I am so grateful for her desire to help so many families with angel babies.

Footprints

Hayden walked outside and stepped in some water. He then stepped on the porch and saw his wet footprints. He bent down and touched them and said, "Look, Scott's feet." Scott's headstone has footprints on it. Hayden often holds the brass molds of Scott's feet. So, Hayden associates feet with Scott.

Did I Really Sign Up For This?

In church the speaker mentioned that his third child died of SIDS at five and a half months. He talked about how as he struggled through this he realized that he had signed up for this in the pre-existence. As I thought about this I kept thinking there is no way I signed up for letting Scott die. I have thought about this many times this week.

My friend was over the other night and we were discussing this. When I told her I "didn't sign up for it" she said you never know. As the discussion progressed she helped me put it in different words. I signed up to give him back to Heavenly Father. Maybe I didn't know this meant I would give him back before I really got him. But I did agree to give him back. I want to give all of my children back to my Heavenly Father. Hopefully I can be a good enough mom and teach my children here on earth how to get back to Heavenly Father. As for now I know I have one perfect little angel ho is in the presence of God everyday. I guess it truly is a blessing.

Memorial Day 2009

This is my second Memorial Day without Scott but only my first to have a place to go visit him. I can never say enough how wonderful it is that we were finally able to bury Baby Scott and I have a place to go.

I had a rough morning. I wish everyone loved Scott the way I do. I have to remember that no one knows Scott like I do. I held him for more than five months. Joe and my mom held him for less than five minutes. No one else has ever held him. Maybe that is why others don't seem to remember him. It is hard to remember someone you never knew. But I knew him. I will never forget him. When Scott died he took a piece of my heart with him. I will never be the person I was before.

I went to the cemetery by myself in the morning. I enjoyed having a few quiet moments alone. To my surprise someone had been there. There were some silk roses. I have no idea who had been there but it means so much to me.

When the boys and I went a little later the cemetery was packed. We got there right before they started the flag raising ceremony. The cemetery looked beautiful covered with all the flowers.

I Miss You

Scott,

I miss you so much! The last few days I have been so sad. I just want to give you a hug and a kiss and hold you. I know Heavenly Father needed you at this time but I want you here with me. I pray for you everyday. I pray that you are working hard for our Father in Heaven. I pray that you will know of my love for you. I pray that you won't get too busy and forget about me.

Today I read about twins that were born alive at 22 weeks. They lived for over an hour. I know this sounds wrong but when I read stories like this I get very jealous. Why was this mom granted one hour and I wasn't given even one minute?

I know that there are people that don't think I am very good mom. I know I have many faults and weaknesses but I can promise you this, I love you and my other children more than anyone else in the world ever could. It would do anything for you.

Please help me find the comfort I need. Please help me be the best I can be so we can be together gain one day. But most of all, please know that I love you so much.

Love,
Mommy

Mother's Day

Last year Mother's Day was very hard for me. It was my first Mother's Day without Scott. I had gone to the cemetery, where my great grandmother is buried, with my mom. I saw so many headstones of babies. I felt horrible that all these babies had been buried and had a place but mine did not. I missed Scott so much and I could barely keep a handle on my emotions.

This year was so much better. I thought about Scott all day. I planned on visiting the cemetery in the afternoon. When we left to go to my mom's I put flowers in the car to take to her and Hayden started saying, "Flowers for Scott. Flowers for Scott." I told him we would go see Scott but the flowers ere for Grandma. We gave the flowers to my mom but cut a whole bunch of lilacs and took them to the cemetery.

Joe and Hayden walked across the cemetery to throw old flowers away. I was glad to have a few minutes to sit by myself next to Scott's headstone. As simple as it my seem to some finally being able to bury Scott and have someplace to go has helped me tremendously.

I am so thankful that Heavenly Father blessed my life with Scott. Although I don't get to hold him everyday here on Earth as I would like to, he is still part of my daily life. I love him so much. I look forward to the day when I can hold him in my arms again.

Easter

I love spring. I love to see flowers poke up out of the ground. I love to see trees with blossoms on them. I love all the new life.

I am thankful for a springtime holiday the represents new life. I am grateful for the atonement of our Savior Jesus Christ and that through him we will all be resurrected. Often times when we think about Easter we think of Easter egg hunts, candy and the Easter Bunny. This year I really looked forward to Easter and enjoyed thinking about the resurrection. I am blessed to know that Scott will be resurrected and we will be together again.

Scott's Tree

My cute boys by Scott's tree on Easter morning.

We took Easter lilies to the cemetery after church.

The other day we were on our way to Saratoga Springs. While driving down Redwood Road Hayden looked out his window and saw the Bluffdale Cemetery (Scott is buried in the Riverton City Cemetery). He immediately started saying, "I love you, Scott. I miss you." When this happened I was quickly brought to tears. They were both tears of joy and deep sadness. I love that Hayden thinks about his brother and remembers what we tell him. However, as happy as I was at that moment I was also extremely sad. I am very sad that Hayden doesn't really know/understand who his little brother is. He sees a cemetery and associates that with Scott. He calls the molds of Scott's face, hands and feet Scott and frequently asks to hold "Scott." I wish he had been able to see his brother. I look forward to Hayden getting a little older so he can have more of an understanding of who Scott really is. As for now, it makes me so happy that he talks about Scott often and is starting to understand that he has to little brothers.

Spring

Last Friday, I walked outside to throw the garbage away and something caught my eye. Remember last spring when I posted about the Magnolia tree we bought in rememberance of Scott? Well, I am happy to report that it has buds all over it. It seriously brought a smile to my face. I cannot wait for it to be in full bloom.

He Lives

Last weekend we went to some friends' house for dinner. When we got there Crystal gave me this beautiful picture. She told me her father had made this for someone in their family that had a baby die. She pointed out that the baby is holding on to Christ's shirt signifying that the baby is alive.

I know that Scott is alive. I know that he is with Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father. I know that I will be with him again.

I am so grateful to friends and family who think about me and remember my baby boy. At church on Sunday I was telling a friend of mine, that has also had a baby die, about the picture and I told her I would get her a copy of it. We talked about how good it feels when others remember our children. She said that the longer it gets the less people remember. That made me sad.

White Scott

Hayden loves to hold the molds of Scott's feet. I am grateful that we got them bronzed so that he can hold them. The other day he climbed on the couch and asked to hold Scott. I said OK and got down the feet and handed them to him. He said, "No Mommy, the white Scott." Meaning the mold of Scott's face. I told him he couldn't hold that one because it could break.

I thought it was so cute. He has now referred to the "White Scott" multiple times.

Three Boys

The last couple of weeks I have been a little sad that it is not obvious to the world that I have three boys not just two. When we were at the car dealership we had Hayden and Parker with us. While we were waiting for paper work we were chatting with the salesman. Many times I wanted to blurt out that I had another baby as well. When people ask me how many kids I have I have no problem saying three. I love to let people know about Scott. But it is the times when people don't ask that bothers me. It wasn't relevant to our conversation or anything. It would have been out of place for me to say I had a baby that died. I felt like I kept waiting for a chance to mention Scott and it never came.

The next week I was at Costco and an older gentleman commented on my two cute boys. Again, I wanted to blurt out that I had another cute boy.

A few weeks ago we were doing sealings at the temple. Our sealer asked how many children were at home. I could not just answer his question. I said I have two boys at home and one in heaven.

I know this may seem strange to many people. Scott is always in my thoughts and I wish the whole world could know him the way I do.

I Love to See the Temple

I am so grateful to live so close to so many temples. From my office window I can see the Jordan River Temple. While I am on my treadmill in the morning I always enjoy looking at the beautiful temple all lit up.

From the road right by my house I can see three temples all at once, Jordan River, Oquirrh Mountain, and Draper. Not many people can say that. I feel so blessed.

It has been fun watching the construction of the Oquirrh Mountain temple. We pass it many times a week. Hayden always says, "there's a temple over there." and points to the temple. He always asks us to sing "The Temple Cool Song."

Last weekend we were able to attend the Draper temple open house. It was so nice to be able to take my boys to the temple with me. I am so grateful for the blessings of the temple. If I did not have the knowledge of eternal families I would never be able to handle the death of my precious baby Scott. When we sat in the sealing room at the draper Temple they spoke of losing loved ones and the opportunity we have to return to live with them again. I felt the spirit very strongly in that moment. I feel so close to Scott whenever I am in the temple.

I promise to live my life in a way that I can be with Scott and the rest of my family forever.